Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology Read online

  Stepping around the desk, I encroach on her space. Her breath catches and her eyes widen as I lean down. Stopping just in front of her, I breathe against her mouth. Her lips part and I lean down farther, stopping just before our lips touch. “I love bad ideas. They’re the most fun. What time are you done here?”

  She exhales and her eye search mine. “Screw it.” She sighs. “Six. I get off at six. Ok, dinner… but just dinner. You can meet me here and we’ll go right after.”

  I laugh. “Ok. I’ll head here to get you for dinner after my show.”

  She blinks. “I’m not shaving my legs…”

  I chuckle and lean down to breathe against her lips again. “I don’t care. A little prickle isn’t a deterrent… not for me anyway… gives great friction.” Leaning back, I wink. “See you at six.”

  Walking out, I leave her staring after me with her jaw touching her chest. I whistle. As I cross the hall, I see the pretty blonde nurse from my appointment gazing after me. With a wink, I keep strolling.

  Maggie Abraham. As a teen, I fantasized about her relentlessly and tonight… tonight we’re having dinner and if I’m lucky… dessert, too.

  Jamison signals me from the booth by holding up three fingers and the dry erase board with the name Todd written on it. Nodding, I punch the button to answer line three. “Todd, you’re on with Spanky Nutts. What’s cracking?”

  “I want your advice on something. So my lady and I have sex a couple times a week but only in the bedroom at night and with the lights off. She keeps saying that she’s worried she looks like a whale and I keep telling her that my dick gets hard for her so I obviously find her sexy. I do. She’s beautiful, but the sex being exactly the same all the time… always in the same place and the same way… I’m starting to lose my fucking mind, man.”

  My fingers lock behind my head as I lean back in my chair. The mic is mounted from the ceiling and catches my voice even if I sit back. “So, you get sex regularly, two times a week in fact, and you’re bitching. How long have you been together, man? Are you married? Have kids? Why is she worried about her weight? Has she recently gained any?”

  The caller sighs. “I do get sex twice a week and I get that some men don’t even have that. But the thing is we’ve been together six years, man. We went from having sex every day, multiple times, and in crazy places to sex only in a bed, in missionary position, in the fucking dark.

  “I’d like to see my lady naked. I love how she looks naked. I can feel her curves in the dark, but I can’t see shit. Seeing is part of the experience, you know.

  “Our daughter is one and ever since she started showing the pregnancy she doesn’t want me to look at her naked. It’s fucking killing me. She gained some weight with the baby and yeah, some is still there, but I don’t give a shit. She’s still sexy as hell to me but nothing I say or do convinces her. We fight all the time about it.

  “What the hell do I do?”

  “You need to convince her but don’t push her. Chicks hate that shit. If you get mad and go to start a fight with her about it, don’t. A pissed off woman is not a woman who is going to have sex with you. Just stop pushing her.

  “Women like to feel beautiful. So, show her that she still revs your engine. Buy her some sexy lingerie, but make sure it’s the right size. Don’t go buying her plus size shit if she’s not that size. If you need to, enlist some help. But only one person. Maybe a best girlfriend. Or better yet, do some detective work and look at her delicates drawer. Get the size she needs from her skivvies and then go buy her some sexy shit in that size. But sexy, not slutty. You don’t want her to think you want her to be a porn star. Think Victoria’s Secret and not Frederick’s Of Hollywood. No edible panties… at least not at first.

  “Take her on a date. Dinner, dancing if she’s into that shit. Make the date about her and showing her that she matters to you. You treat her right and get her feeling beautiful, she’ll become more comfortable and you’ll get your wish to gaze upon her nakedness. Probably have some off the chain sex on the kitchen counter or shower, too. No blowing your load all over her face though. Remember, lady you love, not porn star.

  “But, the main thing is don’t be a dick and make it about you. You’re getting fucked man. Could be worse!”

  He agrees with me, thanks me, and hangs up.

  “Any listeners want to chime in with some words of wisdom to help Todd gaze at his lady’s luscious curves again? Call in now. We’ll be back in three.”

  As Jamison signals that my mic is off, I stretch and yawn as I glance over my shoulder at the clock over the booth. He comes through my headphones. “Game is on tonight. Alabama and Clemson. Want to head to Walk-Ons to catch it?”

  Shaking my head, I answer him. “No can do. As much as I’d like to see Saban lose, I’ve got plans.”

  He retorts, “What plans? Just bring the flavor of the day along?”

  Glaring, I snap. “No. I have actual dinner plans… with Maggie Abraham. I’m not bringing her to Walk-Ons with the crew.”

  His eyes widen as he exclaims, “Captain of the cheerleaders and prom queen, Maggie Abraham? The chick that didn’t know you existed in high school? That Maggie Abraham?”

  I nod and swivel in my chair. “Yup, that’s the one.”

  He mutters, “How the fuck did that happen? When? What? You’ve been holding out on me!” He looks down and says, “And we’re on in seven, six, five, four, three, two…” He points at me as he checks the board in front of him.

  “And we’re back. Before we left, I was on with Todd who is wanting to know how to get his lady to turn the lights back on for their sexy time and take sex outside of the bedroom… Let’s see if I gave him good advice.”

  Looking up, I see Denise written on the board and Jamison holding up two fingers. “So, Denise. You’re a woman. What can Todd do to make his woman show him the goods again?”

  I take a few more callers and my cell buzzes on the desk. As the listeners talk and I grunt and automatically respond to them, I read the text.

  “Jamison

  Seriously, how the hell did you get Maggie Abrahams to go out with you? When did this happen?”

  Laughing, I open the text to reply.

  “Rad

  Mad skills. And she’s the surgery nurse from my appointment this morning.”

  I watch him read the text through the glass and chuckle as he mouths, “The fuck?” before looking back up at me in shock.

  After taking a couple more calls, Jamison signals that it’s time to wrap. Grabbing the mic, I give my send off. “And that’s all the time we have today. But no worries, I’ll be back tomorrow at three for more of the Spanky Nutts Show… Why spank your own nuts when there are so many others willing to do it for you?”

  Jamison counts down from three on his fingers and signals that we’re off the air. As I remove my headphones and push my chair in, the door from the booth opens.

  “So, you’re telling me that the chick you busted your nuts for on a daily basis in high school is a nurse at your cancer doctor’s office and you’ve somehow managed to get her to agree to have dinner with you… tonight?!”

  Grinning, I nod. “Yup.”

  He sputters, “What? How? Seriously?”

  Leading him out of the booth, I grab my shit from the desk. “Come on. Talk as we walk. I have to make it across town in an hour and it’s 5PM, so you know that shit is practically impossible.” He grabs his jacket and keys and follows me to the elevator. As we wait for it to arrive, I decide to fill him in. “I recognized her from that hair immediately and she flirted with me. I asked her questions about them taking my nut and how my dick would hang and she responded with a sexy smile so I just asked her out. She said it was a bad idea and I told her those were my favorite kind.

  “She’s not married and agreed to dinner. So, dinner it is and if the cards fall right, she can spank my nuts for me tonight. Though she did say she wasn’t shaving her legs.”

  Jamison’s mouth falls open. “
She said what? Jesus, Rad. Did you tell her you wanted to fuck her?”

  With a grin, I shake my head. “I did not. She brought up not shaving her legs. So my friend… it seems after she caught sight of my very impressive hard cock… the thought of sex came from her.”

  “Your dick was hard? At the doctor? What kind of doctor is that again? Was it a chick doctor? A hot one?”

  I laugh again as we enter the empty elevator and hit the button for the garage. “Hell no. He’s like sixty or so and wears Dumbledore glasses. His nurse was hot though. Not as hot as Maggie. I was actually going to take the nurse out since she was eye fucking me at my appointment, but then I saw Maggie and well… she looks sexy as fuck in scrubs.”

  Jamison laughs and shakes his head. “Scrubs aren’t sexy.”

  With a whistle, I say, “You haven’t seen Maggie fill them out.” Heading to my car, I call out. “Scrubs on her will certainly raise the flag!”

  Before he can reply, I’m in the car and peeling out of the garage only to getstuck in quitting time traffic.

  Chapter Six

  Spradley

  With a lot of driving that probably should have landed me in jail and even more luck, I manage to make it back to the hospital at five before six.

  As I park, I realize that I don’t have Maggie’s number and I don’t know where she parks. How exactly am I supposed to pick her up if I can’t call her and I don’t know where she is? Deciding to chance it, I hop out of the Challenger and race for the doors. With just a little more luck, I can make it to the office before they all leave.

  The elevator seems to be taking forever so I glance at the stairs. I’m just about to sprint over when the ping alerts me that it’s finally arrived. Glancing at the FitBit on my wrist, I see that I have about one minute to get to the office before closing time.

  They won’t leave exactly at six. No way.

  They have to shut shit down and lock up, so that gives me a few extra minutes, right?!

  Sliding into the elevator, I mutter, “Come-on. Come-on… Hurry your ass up. The damn turtle is faster than this!”

  An older lady slowly rolls in to the elevator as I face the doors. She looks me over as I’m dancing on the balls of my feet and chuckles. “Sorry, I’m not very fast anymore. Not for a few years and since I can’t walk without my wheels,” She nods at a walker, “it takes me a little longer. Where are you scurrying to get to?”

  Holy shit! Where did Yoda with melons come from? I didn’t even see her!

  My eyes widen and I exclaim. “What? Oh shit. No. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the elevator. I would never talk to an old lady like that.” I blanch and groan. “Son of a bitch. I’m sorry. I mean I wouldn’t talk to you like that. My momma would beat my ass.”

  She laughs. “My, you have colorful language, don’t you?!”

  Jesus, Spradley. Shut up!

  This isn’t your show. You know better than to talk like this in front of the elderly. Especially an old lady.

  I feel my cheeks burn. “I’m so sorry, ma’am. I have a radio show and I talk like this on there. I’m also rushing to get upstairs to pick up a beautiful woman for dinner…”

  She nods. “Ah, are you that Nutts fellow that my son and grandson’s listen to? He talks like that, too.”

  “Er, yes, ma’am. That’s me. I have the Spanky Nutts Show.” Fidgeting sheepishly I try to convey to her that I’m not really that much of an asshole… well, not all the time. “I’m Spradley Nutts. I don’t usually talk like this… ok, well, I do. But not in front of strangers and never in front of a respectable lady…”

  Her eyes twinkle behind her bedazzled spectacles. “Somehow I don’t believe that.” She winks as the elevator stops at her floor and the door dings. “And who says I’m a respectable lady?” She raises herself up to stare at me and pokes her chin out. “I raised quite a bit of hell in my heyday.”

  I chuckle and hold the elevator open as she slowly maneuvers out… very slowly. As she finally clears it, she stops and turns back. “Enjoy your dinner Mr. Nutts. Thank you for the entertaining ride.”

  I nod. “My pleasure ma’am. I’m always good for rides you’ll remember.”

  She laughs in delight as she claps her hands. “Oh, I’ll just bet you are.” My face burns as I play back what I just said and the elevator closes to continue its rise.

  Holy fuck. Did I just tell that old lady that I’m good for a ride she’ll remember?!

  I think I just unintentionally hit on a woman as old as my grandma…

  Suck my nuts… No wonder she was so tickled.

  Oh my God. I just sounded like Abraham Ford in my head.

  If his nuts are as big as his ‘stache that would make it a JOB to handle those things.

  Why the hell am I even thinking about another dude’s nuts?!

  I have to stop falling asleep with AMC on the damn TV.

  The office is on the next floor and as the elevator stops, I look out. The blonde nurse from earlier is locking the door and her eyes widen as she sees me. She quickly unlocks it and smiles as she pushes it open. “Hi. We’re closing. Did you forget something?” Her tone is excited and a little hopeful.

  I smile at her as I glimpse Maggie walking out of the back of the office with another woman. They’re talking. I see Maggie adjust the strap of her purse on her shoulder. She has her keys in her hands as she laughs at something the other woman is saying.

  I say, “I did. But, I see her now.” He blonde nurse frowns and follows my gaze.

  Maggie hears my voice and looks up. Her step falters and I smile wider. “Hey. Ready to go?”

  She swallows and looks from the blonde nurse to me and then to her friend she was walking with. She nods. “Yup. I was coming out to see if you were here yet.”

  I grin. “Well, I saved you the trouble. Here I am.” My arms spread wide. “Ready to take you to dinner.”

  The blonde nurse looks back at me. “You’re dating Maggie?”

  I stare at Maggie as I answer the nurse. “Tonight I am. First date. Wish us luck.” I wink and Maggie blushes. Leaving her friend, she walks across the lobby and meets me at the door.

  The lady she was walking with smirks as she blatantly checks me out. Her eyes meet mine and I can see the appreciation in them. “Have a good time, you two.” Looking at Maggie, she raises her brow. “See you tomorrow.” She leans over to whisper to Maggie, but I can hear her. “I don’t think unshaved legs is going to help. That devil may care attitude along with that face would have me dropping my panties. No way you don’t give it up.”

  My grin widens as Maggie snaps. “Oh my God, shut up.”

  With a chuckle, I cup her elbow and lead her toward the elevators, “I like your friend.” As I toss one more wink at the ladies still in the office, Maggie jabs the button to call the elevator. The smirk on Maggie’s friends face and the scowling face of the blonde nurse cause my lips to twitch. “Have a good night, ladies.”

  They nod and relock the door as they bend their heads together. Oh, they are so talking about me. I turn back to Maggie. Rolling back on my heels with my hands in my pockets as Maggie stares straight at the shiny doors and her blush deepens, I chuckle. “Relax…”

  Her head turns toward me and she grimaces. “This is such a bad idea.”

  Settling on my feet, I frown and then smile. “Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. I just might surprise you, Maggie.”

  The doors open and we look into the empty elevator. With my hand on the small of her back, I gently push her in. As the doors close around us, I punch the lobby button and ask, “So, where are we heading tonight?”

  She turns her face so she’s looking at me, though her body is still facing the door. “Dinner… You said dinner.”

  “Yes, but where would you like to go? I need to know where I’m driving. Or we can just get into the car and figure it out while we sit in traffic.”

  She chuckles and it sounds nervous. “Oh, right. Well, I’m not picky. I eat everything s
o whatever you want is fine.”

  My brows raise and I snort. “Funny, so do I?” Her eyes lock on mine at my tone. They widen. “But, what’s your favorite or what are you in the mood for?”

  She swallows. “We’re talking about food, right?”

  Leaning my hip on the hand bar, I cross my arms over my chest. “Sure… or whatever else you want to be talking about.”

  She sighs as her eyes are drawn to the pull of the fabric on my arms and then exhales. “Ok, look. This Casanova act… I’m not used to this. I honestly don’t date. I don’t know why I agreed to this. I wasn’t lying when I said I had a lot going on in my life. This is not a good idea, Spradley. Everything you say has me thinking what you’re saying has double meaning…”

  She sounds really flustered and nervous. I’m shocked. What happened to the beautiful, popular, confident girl who ruled the school?!

  Why doesn’t she date?

  I nod. “That’s because it does. You know my career… I’m Spanky Nutts… But, I asked you to dinner. So, dinner is what I’m asking you about right now? Ok?

  “We can discuss whatever you have going on over dinner. What are you in the mood for?”

  With another sigh, she nods jerkily. “Ok. I want to go on the record as saying this is a bad idea, but I like Italian.”

  “Fine, noted. Now me too. Portobello’s? Bone Fish? Olive Garden? Manacotti’s is also a personal fave of mine. Whatever you like, I’m easy.”

  Her brow wrinkles as she mutters, “Yeah, I’ve heard… that’s my issue.”

  Well, damn. My womanizing is the issue? I mean, yeah, I date around, but I’m honest. I’m not a player.

  Does she think this is a game?

  Isn’t it though?

  I mean, in high school, I lusted after her and she never bid me the time of day and now, I can date whoever I want. And I do…

  So, isn’t that partly why I asked her out?

  Because now I can and I actually have the confidence to know she finds me attractive.

  Is this just because I want to prove I can actually date her since she was so out of my league back then?!