Hugo Awards: The Short Stories (Volume 2) Read online

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  1985

  NOMINEES

  THE ALIENS WHO KNEW, I MEAN, EVERYTHING

  SYMPHONY FOR A LOST TRAVELER

  SALVADOR

  WINNER

  THE CRYSTAL SPHERES

  1986

  NOMINEES

  SNOW

  FLYING SAUCER ROCK & ROLL

  WINNER

  FERMI AND FROST

  1987

  NOMINEES

  ROBOT DREAMS

  RAT

  THE BOY WHO PLAITED MANES

  WINNER

  TANGENTS

  1988

  NOMINEES

  ANGEL

  THE FAITHFUL COMPANION AT FORTY

  CASSANDRA’S PHOTOGRAPH’S

  NIGHT OF THE COOTERS

  FOREVER YOURS, ANNA

  WINNER

  WHY I LEFT HARRY’S ALL ALL-NIGHT HAMBURGERS

  1989

  NOMINEES

  THE GIVING PLAGUE

  STABLE STRATEGIES FOR MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

  RIPPLES IN THE DIRAC SEA

  THE FORT MOXIE BRANCH

  WINNER

  KIRINYAGA

  1990

  NOMINEES

  COMPUTER FRIENDLY

  THE RETURN OF WILLIAM PROXMIRE

  DORI BANGS

  THE EDGE OF THE WORLD

  WINNER

  BOOBS

  1991

  NOMINEES

  THE UTILITY MAN

  GODSPEED

  VRM-547

  CIBOLA

  WINNER

  BEARS DISCOVER FIRE

  1992

  NOMINEES

  ONE PERFECT MORNING, WITH JACKALS

  WINTER SOLTSTICE

  IN THE LATE CRETACEOUS

  A WALK IN THE SUN

  1993

  NOMINEES

  THE WINTERBERRY

  THE MOUNTAIN TO MOHAMMED

  THE LOTUS AND THE SPEAR

  THE ARBITRARY PLACEMENT OF WALLS

  WINNER

  EVEN THE QUEEN

  1994

  NOMINEES

  ENGLAND UNDERWAY

  WINNER

  DEATH ON THE NILE

  1995

  NOMINEES

  DEAD MAN'S CURVE

  UNDERSTANDING ENTROPY

  WINNER

  BARNABY IN EXILE

  1996

  NOMINEES

  TELE-ABSENCE

  LIFE ON THE MOON

  A BIRTHDAY

  WINNER

  THE LINCOLN TRAIN

  1997

  NOMINEES

  GONE

  DECENCY

  THE DEAD

  WINNER

  UN-BIRTHDAY BOY

  1998

  NOMINEES

  BELUTHAHATCHIE

  STANDNG ROOM ONLY

  ITSY BITSY SPIDER

  THE HAND YOU’RE DEALT

  WINNER

  THE 43 ANTAREAN DYNASTIES

  1999

  NOMINEES

  COSMIC CORKSCREW

  WHIPTAIL

  MANEKI NEKO

  2000

  NOMINEES

  MACS

  SARAJEVO

  HOTHOUSE FLOWERS

  ANCIENT ENGINES

  WINNER

  SCHERZO WITH TYRANNOSUAR

  2001

  NOMINEES

  THE GRAVITY MINE

  KADDISH FOR THE LAST SURVIVOR

  THE ELEPHANTS ON NEPTUNE

  MOON DOGS

  WINNER

  DIFFERENT KINDS OF DARKNESS

  2002

  NOMINEES

  THE GHOST PIT

  THE BONES OF THE EARTH

  OLD MACDONOLD HAD A FARM

  WINNER

  THE DOG SAID BOW-WOW

  2003

  NOMINEES

  CREATION

  LAMBING SEASON

  FALLING ONTO MARS

  "HELLO”, SAID THE STICK

  WINNER

  THE LITTLE CAT LAUGHED

  2004

  NOMINEES

  PAYING IT FORWARD

  FOUR SHORT NOVEL

  THE TALE OF THE GOLDEN EAGLE

  ROBOTS DON’T CRY

  WINNER

  A STUDY IN EMERALD

  2005

  NOMINEES

  DECISIONS

  THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER

  A PRINCESS OF EARTH

  SHED SKIN

  2006

  NOMINEES

  THE CLOCKWORK ATOM BOMB

  SINGING MY SISTER DOWN

  SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS

  DOWN MEMORY LANE

  WINNER

  TK’TK’TK

  THE ALIENS WHO KNEW, I MEAN, EVERYTHING

  George Alec Effinger

  I was sitting at my desk, reading a report on the brown pelican situation, when the secretary of state burst in. "Mr. President," he said, his eyes wide^ "the aliens are here!" Just like that. "The aliens are here!" As if I had any idea what to do about them.

  "I see," I said. I learned early in my first term that "I see" was one of the safest and most useful comments I could possibly make in any situation. When I said, "I see," it indicated that I had digested the news and was waiting intelligently and calmly for further data. That knocked the ball back into my advisers' court. I looked at the secretary of state expectantly. I was all prepared with my next utterance, in the event that he had nothing further to add. My next utterance would be, "Well?" That would indicate that I was on top of the problem, but that I couldn't be expected to make an executive decision without sufficient information, and that he should have known better than to burst into the Oval Office unless he had that information. That's why we had protocol; that's why we had proper channels; that's why I had advisers. The voters out there didn't want me to make decisions without sufficient information. If the secretary didn't have anything more to tell me, he shouldn't have burst in in the first place. I looked at him awhile longer. "Well?" I asked at last.

  "That's about all we have at the moment," he said uncomfortably. I looked at him sternly for a few seconds, scoring a couple of points while he stood there all flustered. I turned back to the pelican report, dismissing him. I certainly wasn't going to get all flustered. I could think of only one president in recent memory who was ever flustered in office, and we all know what happened to him. As the secretary of state closed the door to my office behind him, I smiled. The aliens were probably going to be a bitch of a problem eventually, but it wasn't my problem yet. I had a little time.

  But I found that I couldn't really keep my mind on the pelican question. Even the president of the United States has some imagination, and if the secretary of state was correct, I was going to have to confront these aliens pretty damn soon. I'd read stories about aliens when I was a kid, I'd seen all sorts of aliens in movies and television, but these were the first aliens who'd actually stopped by for a chat. Well, I wasn't going to be the first American president to make a fool of himself in front of visitors from another world. I was going to be briefed. I telephoned the secretary of defense. "We must have some contingency plans drawn up for this," I told him. "We have plans for every other possible situation." This was true; the Defense Department has scenarios for such bizarre events as the rise of an imperialist fascist regime in Liechtenstein or the spontaneous depletion of all the world's selenium.

  "Just a second, Mr. President," said the secretary. I could hear him muttering to someone else. I held the phone and stared out
the window. There were crowds of people running around hysterically out there. Probably because of the aliens. "Mr. President?" came the voice of the secretary of defense. "I have one of the aliens here, and he suggests that we use the same plan that President Eisenhower used."

  I closed my eyes and sighed. I hated it when they said stuff like that. I wanted information, and they told me these things knowing that I would have to ask four or five more questions just to understand the answer to the first one. "You have an alien with you?" I said in a pleasant enough voice.

  "Yes, sir. They prefer not to be called 'aliens.' He tells me he's a 'nuhp.' "

  "Thank you, Luis. Tell me, why do you have an al- Why do you have a nuhp and I don't."

  Luis muttered the question to his nuhp. "He says it's because they wanted to go through proper channels. They learned about all that from President Eisenhower."

  "Very good, Luis." This was going to take all day, I could see that; and I had a photo session with Mick Jagger's granddaughter. "My second question, Luis, is what the hell does he mean by 'the same plan that President Eisenhower used'?"

  Another muffled consultation. "He says that this isn't the first time that the nuhp have landed on Earth. A scout ship with two nuhp aboard landed at Edwards Air Force Base in 1954. The two nuhp met with President Eisenhower. It was apparently a very cordial occasion, and President Eisenhower impressed the nuhp as a warm and sincere old gentleman. They've been planning to return to Earth ever since, but they've been very busy, what with one thing and another. President Eisenhower requested that the nuhp not reveal themselves to the people of Earth in general, until our government decided how to control the inevitable hysteria. My guess is that the government never got around to that, and when the nuhp departed, the matter was studied and then shelved. As the years passed, few people were even aware that the first meeting ever occurred. The nuhp have returned now in great numbers, expecting that we'd have prepared the populace by now. It's not their fault that we haven't. They just sort of took it for granted that they'd be welcome."

  "Uh-huh," I said. That was my usual utterance when I didn't know what the hell else to say. "Assure them that they are, indeed, welcome. I don't suppose the study they did during the Eisenhower administration was ever completed. I don't suppose there really is a plan to break the news to the public."

  "Unfortunately, Mr. President, that seems to be the case."

  "Uh-huh." That's Republicans for you, I thought. "Ask your nuhp something for me, Luis. Ask him if he knows what they told Eisenhower. They must be full of outer-space wisdom. Maybe they have some ideas about how we should deal with this."

  There was yet another pause. "Mr. President, he says all they discussed with Mr. Eisenhower was his golf game. They helped to correct his putting stroke. But they are definitely full of wisdom. They know all sorts of things. My nuhp-that is, his namefs Hurv-anyway, he says that they'd be happy to give you some advice."

  "Tell him that I'm grateful, Luis. Can they have someone meet with me in, say, half an hour?"

  "There are three nuhp on their way to the Oval Office at this moment. One of them is the leader of their expedition, and one of the others is the commander of their mother ship.''

  "Mother ship?" I asked.

  "You haven't seen it? It's tethered on the Mall. They're real sorry about what they did to the Washington Monument. They say they can take care of it tomorrow."

  I just shuddered and hung up the phone. I called my secretary. "There are going to be three-"

  "They're here now, Mr. President."

  I sighed. "Send them in." And that's how I met the nuhp. Just as President Eisenhower had.

  They were handsome people. Likable, too. They smiled and shook hands and suggested that photographs be taken of the historic moment, so we called in the media; and then I had to sort of wing the most important diplomatic meeting of my entire political career. I welcomed the nuhp to Earth. "Welcome to Earth," I said, "and welcome to the United States."

  "Thank you," said the nuhp I would come to know as Pleen. "We're glad to be here."

  "How long do you plan to be with us?" I hated myself when I said that, in front of the Associated Press and UPI and all the network news people. I sounded like a room clerk at a Holiday Inn.

  "We don't know, exactly," said Pleen. "We don't have to be back to work until a week from Monday."

  "Uh-huh," I said. Then I just posed for pictures and kept my mouth shut. I wasn't going to say or do another goddamn thing until my advisers showed up and started advising.

  Well, of course, the people panicked. Pleen told me to expect that, but I had figured it out for myself. We've seen too many movies about visitors from space. Sometimes they come with a message of peace and universal brotherhood and just the inside information mankind has been needing for thousands of years. More often, though, the aliens come to enslave and murder us because the visual effects are better, and so when the nuhp arrived, everyone was all prepared to hate them. People didn't trust their good looks. People were suspicious of their nice manners and their quietly tasteful clothing. When the nuhp offered to solve all our problems for us, we all said, sure, solve our problems-but at what cost?

  That first week, Pleen and I spent a lot of time together, just getting to know one another and trying to understand what the other one wanted. I invited him and Commander Toag and the other nuhp bigwigs to a reception at the White House. We had a church choir from Alabama singing gospel music, and a high school band from Michigan playing a medley of favorite collegiate fight songs, and talented clones of the original stars nostalgically re-creating the Steve and Eydie Experience, and an improvisational comedy troupe from Los Angeles or someplace, and the New York Philharmonic under the baton of a twelve-year-old girl genius. They played Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in an attempt to impress the nuhp with how marvelous Earth culture was.

  Pleen enjoyed it all very much. "Men are as varied in their expressions of joy as we nuhp," he said, applauding vigorously. "We are all very fond of human music. We think Beethoven composed some of the most beautiful melodies we've ever heard, anywhere in our galactic travels."

  I smiled. "I'm sure we are all pleased to hear that," I said.

  "Although the Ninth Symphony is certainly not the best of his work."

  I faltered in my clapping. "Excuse me?" I said.

  Pleen gave me a gracious smile. "It is well known among us that Beethoven's finest composition is his Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major."

  I let out my breath. "Of course, that's a matter of opinion. Perhaps the standards of the nuhp-''

  "Oh, no," Pleen hastened to assure me, "taste does not enter into it at all. The Concerto No. 5 is Beethoven's best, according to very rigorous and definite critical principles. And even that lovely piece is by no means the best music ever produced by mankind."

  I felt just a trifle annoyed. What could this nuhp, who came from some weirdo planet God alone knows how far away, from some society with not the slightest connection to our heritage and culture, what could this nuhp know of what Beethoven's Ninth Symphony aroused in our human souls?

  "Tell me, then, Pleen," I said in my ominously soft voice, "what is the best human musical composition?"

  "The score from the motion picture Ben-Hur, by Miklos Rozsa," he said simply. What could I do but nod my head in silence? It wasn't worth starting an interplanetary incident over.

  So from fear our reaction to the nuhp changed to distrust. We kept waiting for them to reveal their real selves; we waited for the pleasant masks to slip off and show us the true nightmarish faces we all suspected lurked beneath. The nuhp did not go home a week from Monday, after all. They liked Earth, and they liked us. They decided to stay a little longer. We told them about ourselves and our centuries of trouble; and they mentioned, in an offhand nuhp way, that they could take care of a few little things, make some small adjustments, and life would be a whole lot better for everybody on Earth. They didn't want anything in return. They wanted to g
ive us these things in gratitude for our hospitality: for letting them park their mothership on the Mall and for all the free refills of coffee they were getting all around the world. We hesitated, but our vanity and our greed won out. "Go ahead," we said, "make our deserts bloom. Go ahead, end war and poverty and disease. Show us twenty exciting new things to do with leftovers. Call us when you're done."

  The fear changed to distrust, but soon the distrust changed to hope. The nuhp made the deserts bloom, all right. They asked for four months. We were perfectly willing to let them have all the time they needed. They put a tall fence all around the Namibia and wouldn't let anyone in to watch what they were doing. Four months later, they had a big cocktail party and invited the whole world to see what they'd accomplished. I sent the secretary of state as my personal representative. He brought back some wonderful slides: the vast desert had been turned into a botanical miracle. There were miles and miles of flowering plants now, instead of the monotonous dead sand and gravel sea. Of course, the immense garden contained nothing but hollyhocks, many millions of hollyhocks. I mentioned to Pleen that the people of Earth had been hoping for a little more in the way of variety, and something just a trifle more practical, too.

  "What do you mean, 'practical'?'" he asked.

  "You know," I said, "food."

  "Don't worry about food," said Pleen. "We're going to take care of hunger pretty soon."

  "Good, good. But hollyhocks?"

  "What's wrong with hollyhocks?"

  "Nothing," I admitted.

  "Hollyhocks are the single prettiest flower grown on Earth."

  "Some people like orchids," I said. "Some people like roses."

  "No," said Pleen firmly. "Hollyhocks are it. I wouldn't kid you."

  So we thanked the nuhp for a Namibia full of hollyhocks and stopped them before they did the same thing to the Sahara, the Mojave, and the Gobi.

  On the whole, everyone began to like the nuhp, although they took just a little getting used to. They had very definite opinions about everything, and they wouldn't admit that what they had were opinions. To hear a nuhp talk, he had a direct line to some categorical imperative that spelled everything out in terms that were unflinchingly black and white. Hollyhocks were the best flowers. Alexander Dumas was the greatest novelist. Powder blue was the prettiest color. Melancholy was the most ennobling emotion. Grand Hotel was the finest movie. The best car ever built was the 1956 Chevy Bel Air, but it had to be aqua and white. And there just wasn't room for discussion: the nuhp made these pronouncements with the force of divine revelation.