Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology Read online

  I nod. “No, of course you can. But, I didn’t know that you did…”

  He smiles and nods, “Well, I do and I quite enjoy it. You are as hilarious as you are crude. But, right now, I’m worried about my patient and not the famous shock jock. Are you alright?”

  Shaking my head, I nod. “I suppose I’m as alright as I can be under the circumstances…”

  He smiles and pats my hand from where he’s perched on the edge of his desk. “Ok, good. I’m assuming that you didn’t hear half of what I said. Your face kind of went slack and your eyes glazed over pretty quickly once I started talking, but that’s ok. I want you to see an oncologist. I can get you an appointment with the top doctor in the state, who’s a dear friend, and happens to be located here in town, at the hospital. Do you have a preference or would you like me to set that up? You’re going to want to take care of this as soon as possible, Spradley.”

  Do I have a preference? Why would I have a preference? Like I even know an oncologist?

  An oncologist is a cancer doctor?

  “A cancer doctor? You know one?” I ask stupidly.

  He laughs lightly. “Yes, I know quite a few actually, but Dr. Barkley is the best around. Can I go ahead and schedule that appointment then?”

  Somehow I convey that he can and I would appreciate it. A short while later, I’m walking out of the office with my results to bring with me to the appointment with Dr. Barkley scheduled for nine tomorrow morning.

  This is insane. Yesterday, I was a guy on top of the world with an award winning syndicated talk radio show going to his yearly physical. I was expecting to be in and out with a clean bill of health. Yet, today, here I am… holding paper that is basically burning my hand as it changes my life because it says that I have cancer…

  This is not my life. This is a joke. Just a sick cosmic joke at my expense.

  I’ll wake up tomorrow morning with another hangover and swear I’m never drinking tequila again because of the crazy dreams it induces…

  Only, as I start my Challenger and the gas light comes on while the Cranberries play on the radio, I realize that it’s not a dream and this is my life.

  How fitting.

  My fucking life just became an ION movie that makes women all over the country cry.

  I’ll be one of those sad bastards that women coddle and ruffle their hair… being sick is just like being friend zoned…

  My life is over… I’m basically in a Drew Barrymore movie!

  Without my nuts, I’m fucked!

  Chapter Four

  Spradley

  Somehow I got through the show yesterday afternoon and no one was the wiser to my inner plight. Jamison carried a lot of it though and for that, I’m grateful.

  This diagnosis, along with not knowing just what the hell is about to happen to me, has me all messed up in the head.

  I’m sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Barkley’s office and the receptionist is eyeing me, but I’m too nervous to even pay her much attention. There are a few other patients in here, but I’m by far the youngest by about thirty years.

  See, I’m too young to be dealing with this shit!

  An old lady across from me looks at me and smiles. I smile back rigidly and look away, hoping that she won’t talk to me. It doesn’t work. I see her lean over from my peripheral vision as I stare intently at Golden Girls on the television.

  Fucking Golden Girls?!

  Dear God, what am I doing here?!

  She asks, “Are you waiting for a parent or grandparent?”

  Looking at her, I shake my head. “No.” I hope she realizes I don’t want to talk to her.

  Nope… “Oh, are you the patient, dear?”

  Sighing, I snap. “Yes, I am. I have nut cancer.”

  Her eyes widen and she blinks as her mouth forms an “O.” She shakes her head. “Oh dear. You’re so young…”

  Gee, thanks lady. I literally had no idea that I’m not even 30… Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

  Her hand covers mine unexpectedly and I jump a mile as her leathery skin touches me. She squeezes. “I’ll pray for you. You’re young and look strong. You’ll be ok.”

  Swallowing back the sudden lump in my throat, I nod jerkily. My voice is strangely husky as I say, “Thanks.”

  The door opens and a pretty blonde nurse calls my name. “Spradley Nutts.”

  Standing, I disengage the old lady’s hand and walk over to the door. Turning as I reach it, I nod once more at her and she smiles before returning to the yarn I didn’t previously see in her lap.

  As the door shuts behind me, I follow the nurse to the small desk. She stops at the scale and says, “Let’s get your weight and then we’ll get you in a room.”

  Nodding, I step on the scale. She messes with the sliding things and then writes my weight down and asks me how tall I am. I tell her and she nods and leads me to an exam room. “Have a seat in the chair. Dr. Barkley will be in shortly. I’m not certain if he’s going to want to examine you today, so I’ll just have you sit for now. No sense in having you strip down unless he needs you to.”

  I smirk and wipe my hands on my jeans. “Most women like me to strip down.”

  She chuckles and I see her cheeks flush. “I imagine that’s true. These rooms are cold though, so let’s keep the clothes on unless it’s absolutely necessary to strip.”

  Laughing, I settle into the chair. She turns toward the door and says, “He’ll just be a few minutes.”

  And then I’m alone again… Another doctor’s office where I can stare at the photos on the wall. Only this time they’re cancer depictions. My stomach knots up and I jerk my gaze from them and take out my phone.

  When all else fails… Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat to the rescue. I scroll through my timeline and respond to a few posts until I hear the knock. Setting the phone down, I call out, “Come in.”

  An older man with Dumbledore glasses pops his head in and once he sees I’m sitting down, he opens the door and walks in. The pretty nurse follows behind him with a clipboard and pen. Holding out his hand, he says, “Hi Mr. Nutts. I’m Dr. Barkley. You’ve met Ange. I’m just going to go over your test results with you and we’re going to come up with a plan of action. Sound good?”

  Without saying anything, I nod and shake his hand. My hands are cold and clammy while his are warm and his grip is strong.

  Flipping his white coat behind him, he sits on the rolling stool and faces me while the nurse stands behind him. He looks at the computer screen in front of him and reads out loud. “Spradley Nutts. Twenty-nine. Six foot. One hundred sixty four pounds. Non-smoker. Social drinker. Works out five times per week. Mass found in left testicle at yearly physical by Dr. Handson. Blood work and ultrasound show that the mass may be cancer.” He looks up at me and taps his fingers on the work space. “Mr. Nutts, the fact is that there is no way to determine if the mass is seminoma or non-seminoma until we remove it to test it.”

  Remove it? That means take it out, right?

  I swallow. “Remove it? Like cut it out of me?”

  He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Yes. We need to remove the left testicle and test it for cancer. The findings will determine the course of action. If we’ve caught it early enough, you may not need radiation or chemotherapy. If it's in an advanced stage, we’ll need to remove it and then treat you with one of the mentioned two options. There are also a few clinical trials that are ongoing I may be able to get you into depending on the findings.

  “I do need to tell you that treatment for testicular cancer can impact your fertility. If you are interested in becoming a father at any point, freezing your sperm may be something to look into.”

  Before I go any further, do you have any questions about anything I’ve told you thus far?”

  Do I have any questions? Is this cat for real?

  Questions?

  Fucking right I have questions…

  He just said he wants to cut my balls off…

&nb
sp; I swallow. “Ok, so you cut out the left testicle and run tests on it? You cut out the whole thing? Like I’ll only have one left? And when you do that, I can’t father any kids?”

  He nods. “Yes, I’ll remove the entire testicle intact. If I cut a piece or nick it in any way, the cancer could spread to other areas. That would be bad. I remove the entire left testicle, but leave the right. We’ll run some tests and see what kind of cancer we’re dealing with. Once we know that, I’ll know how to treat it. In some cases, just removing it is all I’ll need to do. In others, another surgery to remove more tissue and possibly the other testicle could happen. Depending on the Stage, you could need radiation or chemotherapy.

  “Removing the one testicle won’t make you infertile. You can still father children with one testicle. If you have radiation or chemo, there is a chance of infertility and obviously you can’t conceive a baby while you’re undergoing treatment.”

  This is a lot to process…

  “Any more questions?”

  I shake my head. “No, I can’t think of any right now…”

  He nods. “I know it’s a lot to process. I’d like to get you scheduled for the inguinal orchiectomy as soon as possible.”

  What the fuck is that?

  “The what?!”

  “The surgery where I remove the left testicle.”

  I snap, “Why the hell wouldn’t you just say that? Like I’m supposed to know what you said otherwise?!”

  “I apologize. I sometimes forget to speak in regular people terms. Are you ok with getting this scheduled?”

  I nod. “Sure, why not?! I mean, it’s only my nut… Not like I need it or anything… ” The nurse smirks and I mutter, “Sorry. I’m not normally so testy.”

  Dr. Barkley chuckles. “On the contrary… you seem to be just like this on your show.”

  My eyes widen and I exclaim, “You listen to my show, too?”

  He laughs and the nurse blushes again as she looks me over through her lashes. He replies, “Of course I do. Every chance I get.”

  Nurse Hottie is still flicking her eyes over me. She’s totally checking me out.

  Damn, I still have it! Even with one nut… she wants me.

  Maybe I should take her out before I get cut. She can get the full package and enjoy my fruits before I’m lopsided!

  I wink at her and she blushes harder. It’s an instant mood booster.

  Dr. Barkley is typing away on the keyboard while he looks at the computer screen so he’s missing our connection.

  He speaks while still typing and I jump. “I’ll get you over to Maggie to get that procedure scheduled and she can get you squared away and answer any questions you come up with.”

  I blink, “Maggie?”

  He looks up and smiles. “My surgery nurse. She’s my right hand and knows just as much as I do. She schedules everything for me and keeps me on track.” He stands and gestures for me to follow him out of the exam room. We head down a hall and past a large office that is ornately decorated with a lot of framed degrees and awards on the walls. We stop at a smaller office next door and he knocks swiftly. A head with red curls pulled up in a clip is bent over the desk and she’s writing furiously on a calendar that takes the entire surface of her desk. She mutters, “Be right with you. Just let me get this down.”

  The voice resonates with me and my neck starts tingling in awareness.

  No fucking way…

  Then, she looks up. A friendly smile is automatically spreading over her face, but it falters when she sees me. I see the recognition on her face and then she smiles again. Her eyes still show her surprise though.

  I say, “I know you. Maggie Abraham?!”

  She blinks and nods. “Yes, it’s me. Hi Spradley.”

  Maggie Abraham is his Maggie? His right hand? The high school cheerleading captain and prom queen is now a cancer surgery nurse?!

  Dr. Barkley looks from me to Maggie. “You two know each other?”

  She nods and I reply. “We went to school together.”

  He shrugs and turns to me. “You’re in good hands, Mr. Nutts.”

  Oh, my hands did good things to myself to the picture of Maggie Abraham in school… Often.

  He looks over at Maggie. “Mr. Nutts needs to be scheduled for an inguinal orchiectomy as soon as possible. I answered a few questions, but if he comes up with anymore, please answer them for him.”

  She nods at him and looks at me. I can see the concern in her face.

  No, don’t you dare look at me like that.

  She says, “Have a seat and let’s get started.”

  Dr. Barkley shakes my hand once more and leaves the room. I just stare at Maggie as she straightens some already straight papers on her desk.

  Why does she seem uncomfortable?

  Finally, she sighs and looks up at me. “It’s nice to see you again, Spradley. It’s been a long time. How have you been?”

  How have I been? Really?!

  I lean back and smirk as I cross my arms and stare at her. “Oh, things were good. Great even. Up until my nuts were being juggled a couple of days ago and I discovered I have cancer. That pretty much destroyed my great life.”

  She gasps. “Yes, I’d imagine that might throw a wrench into things.” She flips her pencil and asks, “So, do you have any questions?”

  “I do actually… since Doc B is going to cut my left nut out and I’ve always hung to the right, will I now hang to the left since it’ll just be a deflated balloon?”

  Her mouth pops open and then she coughs. Her cheeks pinken and I feel my dick respond.

  No, stop it. Down boy.

  Not that it ever listened to me before where she was concerned. That short little cheerleading skirt over that perfect ass and those luscious teenage tits have turned into perfect womanly curves that are not even close to covered in those purple scrubs.

  How the fuck are scrubs sexy?!

  Stop it, Spradley! She would most definitely notice if you sported wood in the middle of her office.

  Crossing my hands over my groin, I try to cover my growing erection.

  Son of a mother fucker…

  Her lips twitch again and a picture of them wrapped around my cock with her on her knees fills my brain.

  Dear God… I’m so fucked…

  She chuckles and the musical sound fills the room. “Well, it very well could switch sides. That is a real possibility.”

  Maggie Abraham is talking about my dick.

  I blurt out… “I can honestly say I never thought I’d hear you talking about my dick.”

  What is happening to me? Fucking hell.

  She laughs again and glances at the door. I turn and see it’s open. She mutters, “Yeah, well… you started it. Besides, it was a valid question with what you’re dealing with. Not that I’d answer most people that way.”

  Is she flirting with me?

  I quickly glance at her hands and notice the lack of a ring.

  Maggie is still single?

  The room is deathly quiet as I look her over from in front of the desk.

  Chapter Five

  Spradley

  The silence is almost deafening in here as Maggie and I stare at each other.

  Finally, she coughs again. “Ok, well… when were you hoping to have the procedure done?”

  With a deep exhale, I lean back against the chair and prop my ankle on my knee to help cover the boner that is refusing to go down. My leg jostles in nervousness. “Doc said ASAP.”

  She nods and looks at the computer to her left. She taps away on the keys as she asks. “Do you need to see when you can schedule it around work or anything or do you just want to schedule it and work it out after it’s scheduled?”

  I don’t even think about it. “As soon as possible is good. They’ll work around me.”

  Maggie glances up and nods. “Ok.” She looks down and taps a few more keys. “Surgery is on Tuesdays. I can schedule it for two weeks. That’s the next appointment for that type of
surgery. You’ll need to come for a pre-op appointment next week and the night before, you’ll have to fast. No food or water after 8PM.” Her eyes meet mine. “Does that work or do you want to push it back a week?”

  Damn, that’s fast…

  Two weeks and a part of me will be gone.

  Fuck, better to get that shit out now than risk it spreading over putting it off and making it worse.

  I nod and twist my hands. My boner is completely gone now. “I’ll take the first one. Let’s get this nut cracked.”

  Her lips twist again as she types away. When she’s done, she leans over and grabs a sheet she printed from the table behind her. Her scrub top pulls tightly against her chest and suddenly… my boner is back.

  She turns back and catches me adjusting myself. Her cheeks flush and she bites her lip as she hands me the paper. “This is your… uh… this is the appointment and a few instructions.”

  Before I even know it, words leave my mouth. “Does the sight of my hard cock affect you, Maggie?”

  She gasps and her eyes once again fly to the door. Her flush deepens and travels down her chest. My eyes are glued to the heaving breasts pushing against the purple fabric. She sighs. “I’m at work, Spradley. That is not appropriate.”

  I can see her pulse beating in her throat and her breathing is obviously rapid. “Answer the question, Maggie. I know women… I’m not the same dork I was in high school and I can tell when I’m affecting a woman. So, the fact that my dick responds to you excites you?”

  She stands hurriedly and swipes her hands down her scrubs. She hisses. “Stop it! Don’t talk like that in here. This isn’t your damn radio show! This is a professional medical office and I am not having this discussion here.”

  I stand too and lean over the desk. She steps back even though the desk is between us. I smile. “I affect you, Maggie Abraham. Tonight… let’s discuss this tonight.”

  Her hands cover her cheeks and she sighs. “That is probably a very bad idea, Spradley. You’re not the same guy you were and I’m not the same girl. You’re dealing with some major, life altering news and I have things going on as well. Having dinner with you to continue this conversation is probably a very bad idea.”