Dark Tales Read online

  "Your funky colander?" I asked with sugary innocence.

  The demon threw his arms into the air and then clutched at his heart. I had hit a nerve. Prosper's little shoulders heaved as he wept. He was overdoing it. What the hell, I figured. Mice emote.

  "Pliny the Elder says I am a fool to seek mortal assistance. But I have faith in you, Jim. Are you acquainted with the exemplary acting skills of Walter Pidgeon?"

  I recalled him as an old-time leading man, a movie star when I was a kid.

  "It was classic movie night in the demons' pantry. Artemis slipped in to catch the second feature. And there he was, Walter Pidgeon, wearing a homburg. On the screen, I mean. Her Worshipfulness lost it, plop, right there on the linoleum. And Sean Connery-when he wears a homburg, it really twists her knickers. She became a regular at our movie nights. Having management hanging around puts a crimp in our otherwise freewheeling high spirits, if you get my drift."

  "She was baiting you to get your colander, the Helmet of Cleptath, back?"

  "Yes. She's got a new attitude and she's wearing a homburg hat. A sort of homage to Connery and Pidgeon."

  "Well, good. Of all the Olympians I figured Artemis to be strong on sexual identity."

  "You betcha, buddy. Struts buck naked through the firmament, with the Homburg on her head and her head in the clouds. You'd think a homburg hat would be sufficient for any goddess. But now she wants her old hat back, too. From me."

  Prosper indicated the beribboned colander on his head. "The Helmet of Cleptath." The sobbing began anew. Prosper pulled a tiny kerchief out of his sleeve.

  "We have been challenged," said the demon, getting his blubbering under control. "Now, a challenge in Paradise is, by definition, unusual, perfection and all. But, be that as it may, the Divine Artemis has got a feather up her royal ass over losing her hat to a mouse. She challenged me to miniature golf. In Paradise, personal differences have been traditionally settled by miniature golf. I hate golf of any size. My weapon of choice was duckpins. As the challenged, I got first call."

  "Pliny the Elder is her second. I would you were mine. There's a Volvo wagon in it for you. The celestial playoffs will be at Dinwiddie's Chuck-A-Bowl Lanes in Taunton, Massachusetts. It has been bruited about that the Kennedy lads trooped their dates to Taunton for a rousing frame or two. Of course, this is hearsay. You will also show me how to wire the Helmet for two-way communication. Police and fire calls, you know, keeping in touch..."

  "If we win."

  "Of course we'll win. Trust me."

  "And if we lose?"

  "You die. I volunteered you. I have your signature on file. Remember?"

  I remembered. Don't sign anything you haven't read. And if you do, keep all the copies. I was at the mercy of a mouse.

  "Death is neutral," said Prosper reassuringly. "Either you are or you aren't. The means thereto are usually nasty and frequently spectacular. You should feel special. Most lives are lived like tire fires at the town dump. Years of smoldering, then a plume of gas ignites for a flashy finish when there is nobody around to notice."

  I tried feeling special.

  "The guys and I got our heads together and we thought we'd call on you. You owe us one," said the demon.

  "Pliny wouldn't help? As your adversary's second, isn't he supposed to negotiate any difficulties, iron out the paperwork, so to speak?"

  "Conflict of interests. Gaius Plinius Secundus, naturalist, bon vivant, general, senator, etc., etc., was pledged to Artemis. We needed a fallback strategy. That's you. If you should lose, and of course, you won't-" Prosper slipped in unconvincingly "-a hubcap from a '38 Dodge sedan should do the trick. We'll just negotiate a swap." Over my dead body. My body, probably smoldering like the rug. Prosper babbled on as he expanded my vocabulary of affliction.

  "Artemis is wild for chrome. See, Valentine, Feng Shui and I were watching Antiques Road Show and-"

  "Hold on. A chrome hubcap? This is what my life, my hopes and aspirations, all I have worked and struggled for, are worth? You will trade her a hubcap for the hat after I am toast?"

  "That's about right," said the demon cheerily. "Meet the gang."

  Four new mouse demons popped up like unwanted advertising. "I am in uncertain waters, careerwise, so I got the fellows here together for some brainstorming. Jim Everhardy, meet Valentine, Tantrum, Elapse, Feng Shui."

  "Hello, Flopsy. Hello, Mopsy. Cottontail, how do you do? And...Feng Shui?"

  "The very same," said Prosper. A diffident demon in a red fez took a bow from the end of the line.

  "You see, at my performance review, a Certain Personage was disappointed that you chose skills with ephemera over His Volvo wagon. Volvo wagons are a hot item, and I'm supposed to be pushing them. Gracewise for demons, a disappointed Personage is no fun to be around. We needed a human to take the heat. You. See, what I mean is Apollo's still fulminating over Feng Shui's realignment of the poles. Feng Shui's arrangements differ slightly in the Southern Hemisphere. All those koalas and kangaroos hopping out of a Certain Personage's jubilee cake... Apollo had hoped for a stripper. Well, you've got to run before you can strut. Trust me."

  Trust the mouse demon, if I ever wanted to write the Great American Novel. And stay alive.

  "I cased the location for you, Everhardy. I hung out at Dinwiddie's watching big, burly bowlers contend. They slammed the crap out of the place, splinters everywhere. The pinsetters were a-hopping, on the run and sweating buckets all night. Candlepin bowling runs very fast. You're going to have to hustle to keep up."

  "Let's review just where we are up till now. You need me to bowl for the home team. And Artemis, Sister of Apollo, your patron, is more powerful than you, a mere mouse demon?"

  "And sexier, pal." The demon blew his nose with a honk. "You mock me when I am down. Watch that mere stuff. The Unknown Man-that's the film where Walter Pidgeon wore a Homburg."

  "It was."

  "Indeed, it was. We have videos in Paradise, thanks to Pliny the Elder. Pliny begged an indulgence from the Higher Power. Ol' Pliny hovers at the mailroom for the latest Baywatch. For myself, I favor the classic films. And The Sopranos, of course."

  "Oh, of course."

  ****

  Time passed.

  I just love it when I read that. It usually means the author is running out of toner. Anyway, time didn't pass. Not for me. We were out of doors and the wind was whipping up the trapdoor of the comfy red flannel union suit I wear when I am at home and being creative. A neon sign flashed "Chuck-A-Bowl." We were at the far end of a strip mall somewhere in exurbia. Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Feng Shui were nowhere to be seen.

  Prosper pulled at the cuff of my union suit. "Now, let's get our story straight. What we want from her is..."

  "We? What's this 'we want'? Hey, you want."

  "Don't get snippy with me. I want the homburg. Next to it the Helmet of Cleptath is old hat, no pun intended. Barring that, I have a fallback strategy. I have one for you, too. If you survive." His eyes got a dreamy, far away look that suggested trouble. "I have an opening writing inventory control codes for Wal-Mart..."

  I shuddered. "No, the envelope flaps are fine."

  Prosper studied cloud formations as a stratocumulus was ripped to shreds by the passage of a commercial jetliner. "A '38 Dodge."

  "Huh?" I squinted up at the plane. No resemblance.

  "A little faster on the uptake, Everhardy my doughty scrivener. Our fallback strategy, the chrome hubcap, remember? Dodge, nineteen-thirty-eight. An automobile. Prewar. On Antiques Road Show. They had the goddess kvelling for it. Honestly, Everhardy, do I have to draw you a map with every little utterance?"

  There was the clearing of a heavenly throat. A radiant woman strode toward Dinwiddie's Chuck-A-Bowl. She was naked under an unfastened mink coat that flew open at each step.

  "Shrewd, nude and lewd. Here comes the divine presence Herself, all greased and ready to kick some mortal ass," said Prosper.

  Mortal ass. I noticed the demon's equat
ion left Prosper, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Feng Shui safe above the high water mark, après nous le déluge-wise.

  "I am here."

  Her eyes blazed up at us from the lowest point of a curtain call curtsey. Artemis eyed the guttering neon. "This is truly the Land of Milk and Caviar," she said of Taunton, Massachusetts, and blessed their efforts. Marring her beauty, Artemis' lip had a curl to it, a slight inflection that made her look haughty and supercilious, like a banker about to break wind. She narrowed her eyes and wrinkled her nose, making an arch of the freckles across its bridge.

  "Mink becomes my legend most," said Herself.

  The coat wriggled.

  "Strikes and spares it is, then? Well, me boyos, bring on your balls. I'm fair itching to have a go," said the goddess.

  If she had an itch it wasn't psoriasis. My eyes rolled over her body, memorizing. No rashes present. Her itchy balls analogy did chime a familiar chord, though. I reached to scratch.

  Prosper waved me a caution sign-crotch scratching might be misinterpreted.

  "She has that effect on most men. Jim Everhardy, meet the Divine Artemis, Sister of Apollo."

  The goddess extended a perfectly formed arm to offer a handshake. "Divine Artemis, how do you do. Yes, I am beautiful, am I not?"

  My hand was left hanging in mid air as hers was withdrawn to groom an eyebrow. "And you are rolling your eyes. Don't do that."

  Artemis again held out her hand. "Artemis, candlepin ace of the Olympian pantheon, sister of Apollo. Likewise the Fata Morgana, Lady of the Wild Things, Diana of Ephesus, et cetera, et cetera."

  "Jim Everhardy. How do you do?" was the best I could come up with. We shook hands.

  "So much for bonding, let's bowl," said the Lady of the Wild Things. She spun on a heavenly heel and the coat swirled to cover her. "Shall we go indoors?"

  An invitation from a goddess, who could refuse?

  With all that mink blocking my view, I checked the coat. Thirty pairs of beady little eyes stared back. The pelts were alive. Tails twitched. Artemis' coat was giving me the once-over.

  Artemis had noted my interest. "Ranch mink have little to look forward to but a lot of sex, hormone-laced burger meat and then coathood. These guys are wild. Even so, I like to see they get out every now and again."

  Once we were inside, Artemis made a gesture, the effortless articulation of a perfectly proportioned wrist that indicated noblesse oblige, and we all were grateful. The minks jumped ship and headed for the crispy snacks spread out in the Chuck-A-Bowl's refreshments area. The Divine Personage's coat melted and flowed to the floor as the boys scrambled for the Cheetos and pickled eggs.

  I felt thankful to be alive and in her presence. And appreciative for the peek. Now that the coat had bailed out, I stared.

  "Yes, I do look splendid in a hat," the Lady observed.

  I agreed wholeheartedly.

  Artemis got right down to the business at hand. She seemed to have brought along a basket full of bowling gear.

  Prosper whispered hoarsely up at me. "Jim, watch the minks. Make sure they don't get nasty. They are feral creatures. To them I may be just another mouse."

  "I get it. The Helmet of Cleptath is turned off or whatever. You are powerless."

  "Only for the duration of the tournament, Jim my old and rare. Hold down the fort. I'm off to get Her Wonderfulness pissed with me and hopefully off her game with rage."

  "Leaving me to win by brawn and native wit."

  "That's why I chose you," said Prosper, "muscle power."

  I was not cheered.

  Putting on a greasy lounge lizard persona not at all becoming to a demon in the service of Sminthian Apollo, Prosper insinuated himself up to the goddess.

  "Hey, Divine One, where are all your statues now?"

  The Divine One was polishing a set of candlepins, popping them with her bowling towel. "My statues?"

  The mouse demon struck a cocky pose atop a bowling ball.

  "Ah, my statues." The Lady of the Wild Things, Ephesian Diana, et cetera, et cetera, sniffled and held the Number Five candlepin high above her, studying its curves against the Chuck-A-Bowl's fluorescent lighting.

  "Where did I go wrong? To hide my tears I tell myself I yet smell the fumes of belladonna that once wafted forth on the polished cobbles of the night. Did you know I was once worshipped at Ephesus?" This was a rhetorical question. The goddess let fall a single, perfect tear.

  Artemis patted at her eyes with the bowling towel. "From among the heartwrenching utterances of rude devotion and abject submission I brought into my exile a favorite not so humble-a sixty-cubit image of ivory and hammered gold. I have always been fond of its fierce golden gaze and its boasted thousand breasts." She turned coyly to give Prosper a poke with her middle finger. "It bankrupted a satrapy in Asia Minor."

  "All those tits," said Prosper cozily. I waited for the thunderclap of divine justice.

  "I understood them as an allegory of nurture," said Artemis. Her hauteur was returning. "Besides, there were only five-hundred-fifty. Neat, but not gaudy."

  The goddess tilted the homburg back on her beehive hairdo. "And yet I am remembered, if only in the shape of a bowling pin."

  The Divine Artemis was, indeed, a whole lot of female.

  "An invocation for our games," said Artemis, "one of my favorites and I hope it's yours, too." She took a deep bow revealing not much more than we had already enjoyed. She was now a piano bar hostess working the house. Her arms were extended and she held the pose. "You will join me, won't you?"

  Thirty sets of fierce mink eyes glared at us from the bar, waiting. Of course we would.

  Artemis sang. "There was a man, Joe Bangles, and he did a dance. He changed his pants once a year. Ooh, ooh, ooh... Mister Joe Bangles, dance... Kicked off his shoes, he couldn't lose, He had no clues. Ooh, ooh, ooh. The pants were new, the shirt was, too. Your mind is weak, so shuck those sneaks. I bless this alley, please don't dally."

  Artemis sat splat down on the floor as Pliny the Elder passed her the rosin bag. This might be a part of the ceremony. I sat, too, and removed my shoes and socks. She dusted the soles of her feet. Prosper offered me a rosin bag and I waved him off. He gave me a wink that suggested this was the correct option.

  "Mister Joe Bangles?" I had to ask. The goddess paused her lounge singer routine to explain. "The original," said the goddess. "Robert Graves-a poet, I believe, who wrote this little number just for me: "I am the turning of the wheel. I am a salmon in the pool. A spotted snake from whom mice quake and share Apollo's belly-ache. Ooh, ooh, ooh, dance, Joe Bangles...

  "Okay, Pliny, let's kick some mouse ass," said Artemis as she closed out the prayer and bounced to her feet. "Let's get those pin spotters hopping."

  She chucked a ball with an underhanded throw that would have done her proud in women's international league softball. The ball flew through the air, hit the lane 40 feet down and smashed the pins flat, scattering them to the left and right.

  "Well, that one cleared out the deadwood." She glanced meaningfully at Prosper and me. "Lucky for you guys we're just warming up."

  "She's supposed to bowl the ball, not throw it," Prosper whispered. "But she makes the rules."

  "Shouldn't you object?" I whispered back.

  "You object."

  I shut up. Subject closed. My turn, I guessed. I lost the ball in my backswing. It went flying behind us where the minks cleared the bar, diving for safety.

  "Whoops," I said.

  "Sweaty palms? queried the goddess. "Here, use my towel." Pliny the Elder leaned close to Artemis. She nodded and spoke to me. "The worthy Pliny informs me you are inexperienced at candlepin bowling. Perhaps we should take a brew break. But first, let's get you a handicap."

  I looked desperately to Prosper.

  "She means she will give you a couple of pins advantage 'cause you're new at this."

  Pliny again whispered to the goddess.

  "I shall give you pins seven and ten," said Artemis. "Hit or miss
, they won't count."

  Sounded good to me, but Prosper was shaking his head. "Tell her you will go straight up. By the rules we need six strings to establish an average for a new bowler's handicap. She's parsing out a Las Vegas standoff. Pliny is trying to disqualify us."

  After three frames the score stood at them 90, us zero. The goddess had been rolling consecutive strikes.

  "Let's have that brewski break." Prosper beckoned me as he sauntered over to the refreshments area. "Hie thee here, tapster, some nut brown ale for me and my homunculus."

  The tapster slid us a bowl of salted cashews. This was followed down the bar by two chilled, foaming mugs.

  "Ahem." Prosper cleared his throat.

  The bartender, who seemed not to notice that he was selling drinks to an eightinch tall mouse in an Errol Flynn suit, looked mildly startled and vacant, like a senior citizen who had forgotten this was meatloaf day at Meals on Wheels.

  "Sorry, sir." He brought us two coasters and placed them under the mugs.

  "No offence taken," said Prosper. The bartender appeared relieved.

  Minor Lovegrove and Lydia, his missus, were bowling in the next alley. They had joined us at the bar for some light refreshment. Their embroidered satin team shirts bore the family crest, a tree with a heart carved into the bark.

  "How do?" said Prosper. The Lovegroves nodded and smiled with the same vacant, unconcerned look as the bartender. Nothing out of the ordinary here, just a mouse and a man wearing red flannel underwear bowling with a naked lady and an old coot wrapped in a bed sheet.

  Prosper produced a small plastic squeeze bottle from beneath his cloak. He pressed it into my hand.

  "Put some of this on your balls. You get three this frame."

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "The bowling balls, you ninny. Grease the track. A fast alley will give you the edge we need."

  Unnoticed, Pliny the Elder had snuck up on us to eavesdrop. The bartender brought another mug of beer and a coaster.

  "I know. You want to get back to Paradise and your soft porn," said Prosper.

  Pliny sighed.

  "We'll try to get you back as soon as possible."

  "Her Effulgence really, really wants to win this one," said Pliny.