Hearts of England Read online

  His eyelids fluttered open. His eyes full of sleepy heat. "Hello."

  "Hello."

  "Are you all right?"

  "Never better," I fibbed. I didn't think he needed to know that I hated that our idyll was nearly over. We'd both have plenty of time to be blue about it later.

  He smiled and swung one leg over mine. "Whatever shall we do now?"

  I reached for his cock and wrapped my fingers around it. "I'm sure I don't know."

  "I think you do." He trailed his finger along my erection. "It seems to me that you have something that needs taken care of."

  "So do you."

  The smile fell away from his face. "Will you fuck me, Jamie? I want to know how you feel inside me. I want to take that memory with me… please?"

  "Yes." I couldn't remember the last time I'd… My dick obviously did. Electricity flared with every careless drift of Connor's fingers.

  Connor rolled onto his back and pulled me with him. I rested on top, nose to nose, chin to chin. His morning stubble was rough to touch but it didn't matter. I only hoped I could hold on long enough to take my time, to make it matter. He wound his fingers through my hair and covered my mouth with his. I was already lost, already desperate to be inside him. Seeking that friction, we moved together, our hips shifting. Connor arched up to meet me, to pull me even closer, and silenced my moans with a fierce kiss.

  "I love you, Jamie."

  "I love you too."

  "I think you'd better…" He thrust upward, reminding me of his request.

  "Yes." I reached for a condom and the lube, and sat back on my heels.

  Connor stroked my thighs and sighed with every slow stroke. "It was a lucky day when I fancied a cup of tea."

  "It certainly was." I tore the packet open, tossed it away and unrolled the condom as carefully as I could. The lube was cool on my skin and I applied it with a trembling hand, desperate to be inside him. "Are you sure about this?"

  "Christ, yes." He spread his legs and lifted them until they rested on my shoulders.

  I lubed one finger and drew a careful circle around his opening before feeling my way into the tightness.

  Connor gasped and curled his hands into the rumpled bedclothes.

  "Are you all right?"

  He nodded.

  I twisted my finger inside, feeling the passage give way a little, easing enough to admit another. I ached to plunge into him, to ease the unbelievable ache in my balls. Instead, I took my time stretching him and pausing to listen to the music of his groans.

  "Are you ready?" I certainly was. I bit my lip and drew my fingers away.

  "Yes… please… Jamie."

  "Shush." I silenced him with another kiss and then edged forward, getting into position, making sure everything was just right. I took a deep breath and pushed in… just a bit. I was already halfway there. I propped myself up on shaking arms and edged in a bit more, pausing while Connor adjusted to me. He reached up and grasped my shoulders, his fingers digging into skin.

  Another push and I nearly saw stars. The storm outside receded to a muted whisper and the world became the bed, and the only person who mattered was Connor. I took another breath and pushed all the way in, until skin met skin.

  "Jamie…" His sigh trailed away. He moved his hands down my back and drew me closer.

  I moved slowly, wanting to savour every moment. I wanted to believe that it wouldn't be the last time, that on the other side of those six months, we'd have a lifetime of mornings like this. Connor's heat consumed me. He opened to me, taking me in. I pulled back, pushed in. I watched him stroke himself, head pressed back into the tousled bank of pillows. He wrapped his fingers around his dick and groaned. Something in him pulled at me and drew me deeper. I couldn't quicken. I didn't want to. I shifted my hips and rocked against him until he cried out. His hand faltered on his cock, while the other grasped my shoulder. Pausing, waiting, watching him, I leaned in to kiss him. I kissed his closed eyelids, the tip of his nose, his jaw, and then returned to his lips.

  "Oh…" He thrust upward, driving me deeper. I inhaled, pausing again to suck at his nipple until he writhed beneath me, his breaths reduced to incoherent little gasps. One more push and Connor came with a cry. He pulled me down and covered my mouth with his as I quickened, finally letting go. Every nerve begged for release; fire pooled in my groin and I gave in, lost forever.

  I fell onto him, breathless and wordless. If that was our last fuck, it was a bloody good way to say our goodbyes.

  Connor's heart pounded beneath my cheek. I closed my eyes, felt his hands in my hair, on my skin, and listened to his pulse slow to something close to normal, a lullaby that drowned out the roar of the autumn storm. I could almost fool myself into thinking we could stay that way forever and that the world would leave us in peace.

  "Thank you." He stroked my hair and moved his fingers along my jaw.

  "My pleasure." I tried to keep things light, for both our sakes.

  "We should do that again some time."

  "I'd like that." I didn't want to withdraw. I hated the thought of losing that connection.

  "Good, then it's a date." His sigh ruffled my hair. "Book this place again for one week and six months from now."

  I raised my head and looked at him. "Don't you think that might be tempting fate?"

  Connor traced my upper lip with his thumb. "I guess. I don't know. I'm not all that superstitious. Perhaps you're right."

  I swallowed. "No, I'll do it. It'll give us something to look forward to."

  He grinned. "It'll be a hell of a homecoming. I promise I'll fuck you senseless."

  "I can't think of anything I'd like more, that I'd want more."

  "In fact, book it for a fortnight."

  I withdrew, removed the condom and tossed it into the bin before returning to his arms. "Even better." I'd happily have booked the place for a lifetime.

  Chapter Four

  I stared at the house. Three storeys of Georgian elegance set in the middle of a sweep of rain-soaked lawn. Connor parked the car on the edge of the gravel circle and pulled on the handbrake.

  "It's all right. They'll love you."

  "It's not that." The tall windows gleamed amber in the rainy gloom. "I didn't expect something quite so… big."

  "It is a bit of a mausoleum. It's the family pile, I guess. Dad inherited it. My brother will get it next, thank Christ. I wouldn't fancy paying the electricity bills on the bugger."

  The door at the top of the curving steps opened. A woman in faded jeans and a baggy jumper waited in the doorway.

  "Oh, look, there's Mum. She must've been watching for us."

  I took a deep breath. "I hope she's not going to be disappointed."

  Connor squeezed my hand. "You're the first person I've ever brought here. I don't think she's going to be disappointed. She's relieved that I've finally found someone." He opened the door and climbed out of the car.

  I followed, letting him take my hand as we walked up the steps.

  "Hello, darling." Connor's mother pulled him into a hug. "It's lovely to see you." She turned to me and smiled an echo of her son's smile. "Hello, Jamie. Welcome. It's so nice to meet you at last." She kissed my cheek and squeezed my hand. "Come in. You're both in time for lunch."

  Connor retrieved my hand as we followed his mother into the shadowy foyer. Our footsteps echoed on the black and white tiles. A vigorous draft swirled along the corridor. Connor's mother shivered. "I'm sorry about the cold. We just heat the rooms we use, otherwise we'd be broke. Draughty old place. Come on. We're eating in the kitchen. Your brothers will be here tonight, so enjoy the peace while you can."

  We walked into the kitchen, a brightly lit, cavernous space at the end of the hall. The scrubbed pine table in the centre was already set for lunch with a bowl of bread and plates of cheeses and meats.

  "I hope you're hungry. You know what your father is like. He insists we have enough to feed the five thousand. He'll be here in a minute. He's just trying
to decide on the right wine." She looked at us. "Oh, heavens. You've had a bit of a drive, haven't you? Why don't you go and freshen up?" She touched Connor's face. "I've been all daring and naughty and enlightened, and put you both in your old room. Is that all right?"

  "That's brilliant, Mum. Thanks. We'll go and get our stuff from the car and settle in, if that's all right."

  "Of course it is, dear. There's no need to rush. There's soup, but it'll keep warm. And, knowing your father, it'll take a while for him to figure out which wine we should be having."

  We took our bags from the car and Connor led me up the broad staircase, past paintings of landscapes and horses, stiff nineteenth-century portraits, and still lifes.

  "You can look at them later," he whispered, kissing my cheek. "Perhaps you can tell me about them, because I know sod all."

  I followed him along the upstairs hall, which was as draughty as the downstairs corridor had been. "Here we go. I hope Mum's turned on the radiator." He opened the door on to a large, airy room, filled with light in spite of the damp gloom of the day. It was a relief to find it warm and a gas fire glowing softly in the fireplace.

  "This is your room?"

  "It was." Connor set his bag on the window seat. "Mum decorated it after I went to Sandhurst."

  I looked around. Apart from a few books and bits and pieces—an old teddy bear, a few model planes and cars—there was nothing to suggest that a boy had ever slept in this room. It was clearly a man's room with a dark blue duvet, heavy wood furniture, including a solid looking bed, and a few prints with hunting scenes.

  "Nice." It was half the size of my entire flat. The high ceiling made it feel bigger. I was surprised that the ancient, clunky radiator and the fire managed to warm the place.

  "It's somewhere to rest my head. It was. When I'm back, we'll find a place of our own, eh?" Connor took my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

  "I'd like that. Did you have anywhere in mind?"

  "The place we just left would be perfect. You could paint there with that light. As long as I can get internet I can work anywhere."

  "Now you're straying into fantasy land." I kissed him.

  "A man can dream, can't he?" He kissed me back, all slow heat in the chill of the day. "But for now, there's lunch with the parents to deal with. Then we can have a little 'nap'."

  * * * *

  The afternoon peace was shattered by the arrival of Connor's brothers and their families. There seemed to be far more children than adults, all of them running riot along the cavernous hall upstairs.

  "So you're Jamie." Connor's older brother, Brendan, the heir apparent, raised his whiskey glass and plucked out an ice cube.

  "Yes."

  Brendan's clipped voice drove needles into my skin. He looked me up and down as if he were checking out a horse or a car. "And you're an artist?" He made artist sound like "dustbin man."

  "Yes."

  "Do you have many sales?"

  "I do all right. I sell plenty of my landscapes and the nudes are in a London gallery. They're moving pretty well too, especially since the piece in 'Time Out.'"

  "Good… good."

  No, I'm not a gold digger, if that's what you're thinking.

  I glanced across the sitting room where Connor sat beside his younger brother, Sean, deep in conversation. He turned and offered me an encouraging smile. I smiled back, wishing the ordeal by filial inquisition was over.

  Brendan seemed to loosen up a little. "Connor talks about you all the time. You've made him happy. He needed that."

  "He makes me happy too."

  "It's tough for him, you know. It was hard enough for him to come out to all of us. He hasn't said anything to his men. He just can't bring himself to do it."

  I looked at him. "He never said. He hardly talks about his… job. I hadn't even thought about it."

  "That's why you're good for him. He can forget about the job when he's with you."

  I nodded, wishing I could forget about his bloody job. One more night, that's all we had before the job took over his life in too big a way. "I'm glad I can provide a refuge. It's going to be rough without him being around, even with internet and phones and everything else."

  "Yeah, I imagine it will be." Brendan grinned. "Don't worry. You can always come here. Mum and Dad would be happy to see you. Neither Sean nor I get a chance to get down much. There's always something and, with Connor being away, they'd appreciate it."

  I tried to imagine being there without Connor. The house was too big. It would be far too empty without him. "Thanks. Maybe I will."

  I watched Connor rise from the settee and walk toward me. "Mum says dinner is just about ready. Brendan, you're to go and round up your kids."

  * * * *

  "Thank Christ that's over." Connor pulled the duvet up to his chin. "I love being an uncle but… those kids. I'm glad I get to wave goodbye to them at the end of the evening."

  "My ears are still ringing." I settled against him, seeking shelter in his arms and the comforting lullaby of his heartbeat.

  "Sorry about that." He brushed his lips over mine. "But we're not a bad lot, are we?"

  "No, not at all."

  "You passed the test anyway. They all seem to like you."

  "Good." I wrapped my arm around his neck. "I'm glad I survived ordeal-by-family. When you get back we have to see mine."

  "Will there be noisy children?"

  "No. Not yet. My brother and his wife haven't been married long and my parents like a quiet life."

  "I can't wait to meet them."

  "They can't wait to meet you either. They've been waiting for me to grow up and find someone for ages."

  Connor held me close and stroked my hair. "Can I just hold you all night?"

  "Yes, please." We fit so well together I could've stayed like that forever, completely enveloped by his warmth.

  "I wish you could come and see me off."

  "So do I. Brendan told me that you haven't told anyone about… you… us."

  "Does that bother you?"

  "A bit. I suppose I understand, but you've been with your men a long time, haven't you? Don't they find it odd that you don't have a wife, or girlfriend?"

  "They just think I keep myself to myself. If any of them think I'm gay, none of them have said anything."

  I settled against him. "You don't want them to know you have someone in your life, then?"

  "I don't know. You were so unexpected. I still can't take it all in that, twelve weeks ago, I didn't even know you and now, three months on, I can't imagine you not being a part of my life." Connor touched my forehead with his lips. "Would it make you feel any better if I told you I'm going to take my favourite picture of you with me? I'll keep it safe and, when I'm on my own, I'll keep it under my pillow."

  "Jesus, really? I didn't think you'd be so sentimental."

  He laughed softly. "I wasn't. As I said, you were unexpected. I'm not the same man I was three months ago. Who knows, maybe I will tell them. Maybe I'll reach a point where I have to let them know that I'm happy, that I have someone to come home to."

  "I hope you do because I want to be there when you come home."

  His sigh ruffled my hair. "Let's see how it all goes, eh? I have to admit, I like the idea of you being there."

  "So do I."

  "Love you." His voice was already drifting with sleep.

  "Love you too." I closed my eyes and prayed that the night would be a long one. I didn't want to think about the pain the next day would bring.

  * * * *

  "I guess this is it." Connor set my bag down beside the door. After a week away, my flat was cold and dark.

  I tried to dislodge the hard, cold lump in my throat and failed. "Yeah."

  He caught my hand and raised it to his cheek. "Look after yourself for me."

  "I will… and you. Please be careful."

  "I intend to be."

  "Come back to me." I kept my hand on his face, not wanting to lose that touch,
not wanting to say goodbye. "Please."

  "I will. I promise. I'll do everything I can to come back to you." He leaned close and kissed me—a sad, sweet kiss full of all the words we couldn't articulate.

  It was hard not to cling to him, to stop him from walking away. But I wasn't that stupid. I had a duty to show him a brave face, sans wobbling lip. So, when he stepped away, I smiled.

  "Goodbye, Jamie." Another brief kiss. "Thank you."

  "For what?"

  "For loving me."

  "As if I could do anything else." I swallowed and watched him turn and walk through the door. The cold October wind sent a flurry of leaves onto the mat as Connor's footsteps receded down the steps. I waited until the sound of his footsteps faded away and closed the door. I stared at my bag on the floor, looked at the grey autumn sky beyond the window, and went to bed.

  Chapter Five

  ConnorCap: Hey, how's it hanging, handsome?

  The message popped up on my laptop screen.

  I glanced at the time on the corner of the screen. Ten o'clock. Middle of the bloody night in Afghanistan.

  My hand shook a little as I typed my response.

  JamieArt: Hi gorgeous. All's well here. How about you?

  ConnorCap: It goes how it goes. Can't sleep. Too bloody cold here. Managed to grab a welfare laptop. Miss you.

  JamieArt: Miss you too.

  He'd been gone for three weeks. It was already November and, outside, the stray crackle of fireworks heralded the tail end of the endless fucking Guy Fawkes week. I was grateful for my warm flat and comfortable bed. It sucked that Connor wasn't there to share the bed, but if time kept moving at such a clip, it wouldn't be long.