Hearts of England Read online

  "He'll come back," Neil said as confidently as he could to his son. "Even if we don't go with him, Baz will always come back." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alex turn to look at him.

  "Are you sure about that? Mum didn't."

  Neil tried hard not to flinch because Alex was right. Joanne had left supposedly for six months and had never come back. But that had been different. Joanne had left because Neil had admitted he was gay and, as Alex had only been four years old, telling him that Mummy had to work away for a while was easier than tell him she was running away from the shame of admitting her husband was queer. The fact that she walked out on her son as well was something Neil would never forgive, or forget.

  "Baz is not the same. Baz loves us both. He'll understand if we can't go." Please, God, he'll understand.

  Alex shook his head. "Why aren't you yelling at me that it's too late and of course we are going? Why are you so fricking calm about it?"

  Why indeed? Neil shrugged helplessly. He rounded a corner before he spoke. "Do you want me to shout and scream? Would it make you feel better?"

  "Well, no. Course not. But you should be." Sixteen-year-old logic.

  "I'm nervous too. Baz is going to be working, and we had enrolled you in school."

  "You're going to write that novel," Alex said. "You have said for months that now you can finally write for a living. You're not going to back out now."

  Neil pulled up outside Alex's school. "Depends if we go or not," Neil reminded him. "This is your last exam, and your last day at this school if you change your mind."

  Alex stared at the open school gates. "Would you really not go if I insisted? You wouldn't make me go to Mum's?"

  Not if hell froze over. "You're my son. I wouldn't leave you behind, would I?"

  Alex chewed on his bottom lip. "Thanks, Dad. See you later." He left the car without giving Neil an indication of what he really wanted to do.

  Neil stared after him as he walked into school. They had four days to go before they were due to depart for South Africa. Most of their belongings were either en route to their new house or in storage. And now Alex decided he didn't want to go? What on earth was Neil going to say to Baz? Alex's wishes came first of course; he was Neil's son, but a whole year away from his husband?

  Neil looked in the rearview mirror as he drove away from the school. What the fuck was he going to do?

  Chapter 3

  The hinges squeaked as Neil pushed open the bedroom door. Neil winced in silent apology to the man in the bed, but the large lump under the duvet didn't move. Neil tip-toed over to the bed, but before he'd even moved the covers, he heard a soft, snuffling snore. A rueful grin on his face, Neil backed away. He wanted to get under the duvet, snuggle up to his warm and sexy husband, and sleep the morning in Baz's arms in case it was his last one, but that would disturb Baz, and the man needed his sleep. He would go and do some work, and maybe when Baz woke up for real, Neil might get lucky.

  If Neil was going to be good, he needed some more coffee. As was his normal routine, Neil tidied the house whilst the coffee was brewing. He liked to get the chores out of the way, which left him the rest of the day to concentrate on work. Housework completed, Neil wandered into the back room and sat on the sofa. Part of his job was reading fiction sent in by general public for one of the magazines for which he worked. Neil allowed himself one hour a day to read the stories, and get the job out of the way before his brain melted into a puddle.

  Neil took the large brown envelope that had arrived the day before, emptied the contents onto the cushion next to him, and picked up the first manuscript, making sure his coffee mug was close at hand. There was never enough caffeine to fortify him for this job.

  It was a dark and stormy night.

  Honest to God, that was the first line. Neil put the manuscript to one side without reading the rest. An hour later, he reeled out of his office in search of more coffee and fresh air. Neil sometimes wondered if the authors of the short stories ever actually read the magazine's submission guidelines―a low-brow features magazine, high on drama and low on IQ. It was the type of magazine Neil would be horrified to be caught reading, although he might have peeked at an issue once or twice. The skinny, over-caffeinated dictator who ran the magazine had one clear guideline. Sex sells. And so does adultery, death, and high drama. Forget the fluttering virgin. She wanted filthy, dirty, right fucking now. Neil hated the editor-in-chief with a passion bordering on madness, but he had to admire the way her balls of steel kept the magazine distribution increasing month on month.

  As he poured himself some more coffee, his phone chirped loudly. He dug it out of his pocket.

  My bed is empty.

  Neil grinned as he reached for another mug.

  In their bedroom, the large hump under the covers moved as Neil placed the mugs on the bedside table. He heard a pitiful, "I woke up and you weren't there."

  He sat down and sneaked a hand under the duvet to find Baz's warm body.

  "Ow! Freezing, you bastard."

  Neil rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. My hands are hardly freezing."

  "They're cold compared to me."

  After he stripped off his clothes, Neil joined his husband in bed, making sure his body was wrapped around Baz. He ignored the grumbles, wriggling until his head was tucked under Baz's chin, desperate to get close enough to relieve the tension thrumming inside him.

  Baz stroked his hair. "Hey. You want to tell me what all this is about?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "If you got any closer to me, you'd be wearing my skin," Baz said. "Not that I mind, but why don't you try telling me what's up?"

  "Oh." Neil tried to collect his thoughts.

  "So? Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

  "Alex doesn't want to leave."

  Baz's arms tightened around him. "Ah. He finally said it, did he?"

  "Yeah. Wait. You mean, you knew? Why didn't you say something?"

  "I didn't know, but it was going to happen at some point. So what did you say?"

  "I said I wouldn't make him go if he didn't want to." Neil felt Baz still under him.

  "How are you―" Neil heard the emphasis on the you. "―going to manage that?" Baz's voice was tight and angry. "We leave in four days, the house is let, and most of our belongings have been shipped."

  Neil sat up, breaking the tight hold he'd engineered. "We haven't left yet. I'd stay here with him. Sure, we lose some money but it's not the end of the world."

  "So you expect me to go on my own? You've got to be kidding me," Baz snapped. He sat up as well, grabbing his cup of coffee as if he needed the distraction.

  Neil sipped his own drink, trying to collect his thoughts. "I always said I wouldn't leave if Alex didn't want to go."

  "That was months ago," Baz said. "Now we're so close we're almost out the door. Why have you changed your mind?"

  "I haven't changed my mind. I don't want Alex to be unhappy. That's all."

  "And what about us, or does that not count?" Baz's eyes, now a dark stormy grey, narrowed, the crinkles deep and unyielding.

  "Of course we count." Neil pursed his lips, taking a deep breath to hold onto his temper. "You know I love you, don't you?"

  "Huh." Baz gave a derisive snort.

  "I just have to think about my son. That's all. He comes first. I've always put him first."

  "You've never dumped me for him before." Baz placed his cup on the bedside table and got out of bed.

  "Where are you going?" Neil asked.

  "To get dressed. This isn't a naked conversation."

  "Don't leave me." Neil watched Baz hunt for clothes, angrily tossing the rejects on the floor. Neil gritted his teeth, knowing Baz was deliberately trying to wind him up.

  "You've just told me you're leaving me."

  "You know that's not what I meant," Neil said.

  "It sure sounded like it," Baz said bitterly.

  "You didn't give me a choice when it came to you going,"<
br />
  "That's not fair," Baz said. "You always had a choice. I didn't have to take the job at the clinic."

  "After you spent two hours telling me how the people were dying because they didn't have access to medical care, there was a good school for Alex, and this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for us all. What was I supposed to say? No, dear, I don't want to go."

  "Yes! That was exactly the time to say it. Not at the fucking last gasp. Do you know how much money we've spent so far? And you've got the opportunity to write that stupid book you're always telling me about."

  "I should feel grateful, is that it? Grateful that you can support me and my offspring." Neil knew he was being a total dick, but he was getting angry now.

  "Well, how else are you going to do it? Not while you're working for that poxy magazine."

  "Working at that poxy magazine means I have been able to be home for our son, seeing as you're never fucking here." Baz opened his mouth to retort something, but Neil got in there first. "Oh, I'm sorry, he's my son. How stupid of me to forget. Alex is my son, 'cause you've had nothing to do with him over the last ten years."

  "That's unfair."

  "Life's unfair, princess."

  "If I go I'm not coming back," Baz threatened.

  Sick to his stomach, Neil stared at him. "You can't do that to him―to me. That's a shit thing to do."

  "And ditching me at the last minute isn't?" Baz asked furiously. "I thought we were a family, Neil. You, me and Alex. Families stick together."

  Baz walked out of the bedroom, leaving Neil sitting on the bed, all thoughts of warmth and love vanished out of the window.

  "Come back," Neil yelled, "we haven't finished yet!"

  "We've more than finished." Baz stalked into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him.

  Shocked to the core, Neil stared after him, wondering what the hell just happened. He looked at the coffee half drunk in his mug. "God," he whispered. "Is that it?" He was shell-shocked. One minute they had been cuddled up in bed and the next having an argument. Only not about leaving the toothpaste cap off or leaving the toilet seat up. This was serious, a make-or-break decision.

  The moment he'd met Baz, Neil had been honest about his five-year-old son and how much he adored him. He had made it plain to Baz that Alex would always come first in any decision. Only, in just over ten years, he'd never had to prove that. Baz had slotted into the family like he always belonged and Alex had adored him from the beginning. Even when Baz had made it plain he was going to South Africa to set up the clinic whether Neil and Alex came, Alex had wanted to follow Baz. Neil had got caught up in their excitement and hadn't really sat down to consider the ramifications of leaving the UK.

  Neil got out of bed and dressed, unsure if he should knock on the bathroom door, or go back to work. To give himself time to breathe, Neil disappeared into his office and sat at his desk. As he had been gone for so long, the screen saver was bouncing around his monitor; photo after photo of the three of them, or combinations thereof, laughing and joking, and pulling stupid faces. As he watched, Neil saw one of him and Baz, caught kissing at a party. They'd been in a quiet corner of a friend's garden, unaware they were being photographed by Alex. The picture was one of Neil's favourites. Both he and Baz had their eyes closed as they kissed, and the moment was so tender it brought tears to his eyes every time he looked at it. His husband and son told him he was a wuss. He huffed a little but couldn't disagree.

  He heard the shower shut off. A couple of minutes later the door opened and Baz padded into the bedroom. Neil waited, holding his breath, to see if Baz would knock on the door but the stairs creaked as Baz went downstairs. Neil let out his breath and wondered what to do next.

  They hadn't made any plans for the day beyond fucking each other senseless. Neil looked at the computer. He had plenty of work he could be doing to wrap up his job. Oh God, he was going to have to beg for his job back now, and would that be enough to support them for the year? If Baz left, Neil wasn't sure he could support them on his money. He would have to find extra work. Shit, he wanted… no, he needed to sort this shit out.

  Neil found his lover in the kitchen, glaring at the coffee machine. He walked over to Baz and wrapped his arms around him. Baz stiffened but he didn't try to pull away for which Neil was thankful.

  "I'm so sorry," Neil said, leaning back so he could look into Baz's eyes.

  "What for?" Baz asked. "The row, using our son as an excuse not to go, or fucking up a blow job?"

  Neil shook his head. "None of those. I'm sorry that for the first time I can't put you first. It isn't that I don't love you."

  "Yeah? You could have fooled me." Baz pulled away to make the coffee. "I'm so angry right now I don't want to talk."

  "I know," Neil said, "and I wouldn't either. But we have to. I need to know if you meant it when you said you'd not come back if we didn't go."

  "Why?"

  "Because in Alex's eyes, you'd be walking out just as his mother did."

  "That's hardly my problem, is it? I mean, you need to tell him the truth."

  Neil stared at him, angry now himself. "She walked out because she couldn't deal with the shame of having a gay husband. You know that!"

  "I know," he admitted. "But me leaving is not the same thing. He's sixteen, not four. He can deal with the truth."

  "You haven't answered the question."

  "I know. I don't know the answer. I don't want to leave you but right now maybe it would be best."

  "You can't mean that. Is our relationship so fragile that you can't deal with a separation for a few months?"

  Baz shook his head. "We've never been apart. Since the day I met you in the cafeteria, I have never spent a night away from you if it could be avoided. And now you're proposing a whole year? I took that job knowing you'd come with me. I know it's selfish but I knew whatever Alex's decision was you would want to be with me, because we love each other."

  "He's my son. I've brought him up. He's still only sixteen."

  "And he could live with his mum, or come with us, but you and me—I thought that was a foregone conclusion."

  Neil looked at him, astounded. "I never knew you felt this way."

  "I didn't know it myself. I just know that you had a choice and you didn't pick me. I won't forget that." Baz sounded remote, so far away from the warm lover Neil was used to.

  "I…" Neil shook his head and walked away. Unsure of what to do, he walked upstairs to his office. Halfway up, his phone beeped. It was a text from Alex.

  Want to go. Was stupid.

  Neil looked at the screen. "Not sure that's an option now, son," he muttered.

  Chapter 4

  Neil worked all afternoon, until hunger and thirst drove him out. The downstairs was empty and Baz's car wasn't in the driveway. Neil gritted his teeth. The man was angry, sure, but it would have been common politeness just to say or text he was going out. Neil checked his phone once more, but the last text received was from Alex.

  Baz didn't make an appearance while Neil cooked dinner. He wasn't sure there was any point cooking the damn meal, as Alex was also out, but he was hungry. With a plate of spaghetti Bolognese and a beer, Neil plonked himself down in front of the TV. He had the remote for once and ended up watching Serenity for something to do. Neil usually watched the film wrapped around Baz, missing most of it as they kissed. They normally stopped kissing long enough to watch the action scenes. The film wasn't half as interesting without Baz's hand down his joggers, even with Nathan Fillion as the eye-candy.

  Around nine o'clock Alex came in, frowning when he saw his father on his own.

  "Where's Baz?"

  Neil had been wondering the same thing for hours. Now he was just pissed off.

  "He's gone."

  "Gone where?" Alex threw himself into his place on the sofa.

  "No fucking idea," Neil growled.

  Alex frowned. "What do you mean you don't know? I thought you two were spending the day doing… ug
h… things to each other." Alex wasn't bothered by gay sex, but Dad sex… yuck!

  Neil sighed. "We had a row. He left."

  Alex sat up, a frown furrowing his brow. "What do you mean you rowed? About what?"

  Neil wanted to brush it off, but at the look on Alex's face he changed his mind. "I told him you didn't want to go to South Africa, and that I would stay with you."

  "You said what?" Alex looked horrified. "God, Dad, you are so fricking stupid sometimes."

  Totally bemused, Neil said, "I don't see what was stupid about telling him there was a change in plan."

  Alex bounced to his feet. "I wasn't serious about not going. I mean, yeah, I don't want to lose my home and my friends, and my school. But Jesus, it was just nerves. You don't go telling the main man to get lost on the basis of one conversation."

  "You seemed pretty serious this morning," Neil said. He was proud of how calm his voice was considering he had potentially detonated their lives for "nerves."

  "I wanted to see what you'd say. I expected you to tell me to grow a pair, not that you'd split up with Baz."

  "I haven't split up with Baz. At least, I didn't mean to. He just didn't give me a chance to talk to him."

  Alex started calling as Neil was speaking. "I'll find out where he is."

  "He won't answer," Neil said.

  "Baz, where the fuck are you? What do you mean don't fucking swear? You're fucking swearing. And stop changing the fricking subject. Yes, he's here. No, he said you wouldn't answer. Get your arse out of the fricking pub and back here. God, you're both behaving like children." He listened for a minute. It seemed like an eternity to Neil. "I. Want. To. Go. Okay? I was fed up and messing with Dad's head. I didn't expect him to come home and say we weren't going. Look, you need to talk to him."

  Neil waited for Alex to hand the phone over. Instead he slipped it in his back pocket.