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  “What are you doing?” Grace moved to her side, but Laura kept packing, refusing to look at her. “Please, Laura, don’t go like this; we need to talk.”

  “Right now, I don’t even want to be around you, much less talk to you.” Laura swung the bag over her shoulder and headed for the door.

  Grace had never felt more powerless in her life. “Wait, where are you going?”

  Pausing and looking over her shoulder, Laura said, “I have a funeral to arrange. I’m taking the car.”

  Grace could only watch as Laura walked away. She heard the jingle of car keys, the slam of the front door, and then... nothing. Feeling suddenly numb, she sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for the pain that would surely come.

  * * *

  The telephone was once again the enemy. Every time it rang, Grace froze, her heart stopped beating and her breath became lodged in her throat until she was light-headed, then she would spring into action and snatch up the receiver.

  Every time it wasn’t Laura, Grace hated the instrument a little bit more.

  She spent all of Tuesday pacing up and down the living room, eyes constantly flicking between the phone and the front door, ears pricking up at the sound of every car engine passing through the street.

  Jamie was once again looking after the store. Somewhere in her subconscious there was a little niggle of guilt about this, but it was completely overwhelmed by the mounting anxiety that made Grace’s hands tremble and her heartbeat irregular. Panic was a time bomb in her stomach, threatening to explode at any second.

  Grace desperately tried to hold it together, telling herself that Laura would be back, over and over again, like a mantra -- or a prayer. But every time she whispered the words, a voice in her head taunted her with the reply “Of course she’ll come back. She has to collect her things, doesn’t she?”

  Jamie came by on Wednesday evening, Grace having once again called to let him know that she wouldn’t be in. The second he saw Grace he grimaced. Grace could only imagine what she looked like: hair un-brushed, dark circles of exhaustion under her eyes, and wearing the pajamas she had gone to bed in two nights before. Without a word, he pulled her into a hug right there on the front porch.

  For the next two hours, Jamie listened to her rant, alternating between guilt at herself and anger at Sarah.

  He made her some food and sat across the table from her until she had eaten at least half of the meal -- Grace would later be unable to recall exactly what had been on the plate Jamie had set before her.

  “So, now you just wait?” Jamie asked, sipping from a mug of coffee. “Go quietly out of your mind as you wait for the sound of a key in the lock?”

  Grace pushed her plate away. “I don’t see that I have much option.”

  Jamie sighed. “Well, you could, you know, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your ass and go to her. Make sure that she doesn’t have to go through the funeral alone.”

  Anger flared in Grace. She pushed away from the table and glared at Jamie. “Feeling sorry for myself? Is that what you think?” She spun away, pacing agitatedly around the kitchen, hands clenching and unclenching. “Were you here? Did you see her face? No. No, you didn’t.” She dragged a hand through already unkempt hair. “I may be losing the only woman I have ever really loved, and I’m rapidly coming to hate a dead woman. So yes, maybe I am feeling a little fuckin’ sorry for myself.” Her chest was rising and falling rapidly with the effort of breathing.

  Jamie just watched her until she ran out of steam and dropped back into the chair opposite. When she finally looked at him, he said, “Do you want to borrow my car?”

  With a watery smile, Grace nodded.

  * * *

  Grace walked along the hotel hallway, her legs seeming to become weaker with every step she took. Her body felt flushed with nerves and her chest tight. She stopped outside room 602 and raised her hand to knock, but she hesitated and lowered her hand to wipe a sweaty palm on the material of her skirt. She took a deep breath and raised her hand again. This time, she forced herself to tap her knuckles against the door and waited for a reply. She felt a bead of perspiration break out on her forehead and had the strong urge to turn and run. What if Laura turned her away, told her that it was over? It was too painful to even contemplate.

  She heard muffled footsteps behind the door and swallowed convulsively, tugging on the hem of her jacket to straighten it, as if she was going to her first ever job interview.

  When the door opened, Grace only just managed to stifle the gasp that rose in her throat. Laura looked ill. Her eyes were dark and sunken, her pallor ashen. Was it possible that she could have lost weight in just three days? Grace wanted more than anything to take her lover in her arms and hold her until some of the life came back into her.

  Laura looked at her blankly then stepped to the side and made a tired gesture with her hand for Grace to enter. Grace ached for her. If her week had been bad, then Laura’s had clearly taken bad to new heights.

  She walked into the room and stood in the middle of the floor, watching Laura close the door behind her. She turned to Grace, and with that same, horribly blank expression, asked “How did you know where I was?” Her voice was flat, emotionless.

  Grace gripped the handles of her bag tightly in her fist and felt her toes curl in her shoes as she fought the urge to go to Laura. “The nurse at the hospice told me. I… I know you didn’t want me here, but I had to come. I’m so sorry, baby…” She stopped abruptly as the endearment slipped naturally from her lips.

  But the anger she expected from Laura wasn’t forthcoming. Instead, Laura turned toward the bed and picked up several folded sheets of paper. She brought them to Grace and simply held them out. When Grace took them, Laura turned and went to stand by the window. The light shining through the window outlined her slender frame and Grace saw that her jeans were hanging a little lower on her hips than normal. She looked down at the papers in her hand so that she didn’t have to look at the slump of Laura’s shoulders, and found that it was a letter. She knew from the very first words that the letter was from Sarah.

  My Darling Girl,

  Do you have any idea how much joy and happiness you have brought to my life since you came to me? It breaks my heart to know that, as you read this letter, you will be grieving and in pain. That is the last thing I ever wanted for you, and for that reason I didn’t tell you about my illness. I wanted our last days together to be happy, not filled with tears. I know that you are probably angry with me right now for not telling you, but I wanted to put off your pain for as long as possible…

  The letter was four pages long, but Grace couldn’t read anymore as the words began to swim before tear-blurred eyes. She raised her head and looked at Laura again, and could stand it no longer. She dropped her bag and the letter onto the bed and moved to stand behind Laura. Without giving herself time for second thoughts, she wrapped her arms around Laura’s waist and pulled them tightly together. Laura did nothing to fight the embrace, rather, she leaned back against Grace, turned her head so that their cheeks were touching.

  “I’ve missed you.” Laura’s voice was rough, as if she hadn’t used it for a while.

  Grace tightened her arms further and touched her lips softly to the side of Laura’s neck. “Oh, baby. You have no idea how scared I’ve been. Please, please forgive me…”

  A ragged sob escaped Laura. She turned in Grace’s arms.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” Laura whispered and lowered her head until their lips were touching. She brought her hands up to cup Grace’s face and ground their mouths together in an almost desperate kiss. Grace felt her own teeth forced uncomfortably against the tender flesh inside her mouth, but made no attempt to break the contact. Instead, her arms tightened around Laura’s slender body and she just held on, her mouth opening when Laura’s tongue pushed between her lips.

  Laura delved deeply, breathing raggedly through her nose. She lowered her hands to Grace’s shoulders and shoved he
r jacket down her arms, letting it fall to the floor, then insinuated one hand inside the scooped neckline of Grace’s shirt. Grace heard a tearing sound, but if she thought to say anything, it was instantly lost as Laura’s hand cupped her breast. She kneaded it a little too firmly, but any pain was lost as her fingernail scraped over Grace’s nipple. Grace tore her mouth from Laura’s and gulped in air, but Laura was on her again in a second, ravaging her mouth, clutching at her breast.

  Laura moved away just long enough to sweep Grace’s shirt over her head. She reached for the front clasp on Grace’s bra and when it didn’t give way immediately, she ripped it open. Grace gasped in shock as her breasts spilled into Laura’s waiting hands. The desire on Laura’s face was raw, visceral. Her eyes shone with some emotion that was foreign to Grace – even in their wildest encounters, she had never seen Laura like this.

  “Laura, baby, slow down, we have all night…” Grace tried to make her voice soothing, but Laura just shook her head.

  “Now. I want you now.” Spinning them around, she pushed Grace none too gently so that she landed on the bed, the breath forced from her lungs by the fall and the surprise. Laura moved quickly, straddling Grace and lowering her head to suck a nipple into the warm heat of her mouth.

  Grace moaned and arched her back, her hands gripping Laura’s thighs as her lover dragged her tongue over and around her cresting nipple, even as her hand slid down Grace’s body and dragged her skirt up her legs. Without preamble she pushed aside Grace’s panties and drove a long finger inside her.

  Grace felt tears sting the back of her eyes. Laura hadn’t hurt her, but there was nothing tender in her touch. This was not the lover Grace knew.

  Releasing Grace’s breast, Laura moved back up her body and took her mouth in another hard, punishing kiss, her fingers moving determinedly between Grace’s legs, parting her lips and stroking roughly.

  “Laura, Laura, please, baby, please stop,” Grace pleaded when she was able to turn her head to the side. She felt a tear escape and run down the side of her face.

  Above her, Laura seemed to freeze. One hand was still on Grace’s breast, the other inside her panties, but there was no movement -- Grace couldn’t even hear the sound of breathing. She slowly turned her head back and looked up at Laura. Her lover’s eyes were wide with something like shock. She brought the hand that had been on Grace’s breast up to Grace’s face and touched the moisture under her eye. The room was so quiet that Grace was sure she could hear their hearts beating.

  Then, suddenly, Laura was moving. She pulled away from Grace as though she had been burned and stumbled backward, only stopping when she bumped into the dresser. Grace could see the trembling start in Laura’s body, watched it increase until Laura couldn’t seem to stand any longer. She slumped to the floor, her beautiful face a mask of horror.

  Grace pushed up from the bed and, heedless of her state of undress, rushed across the room to drop to her knees in front of Laura. Laura shrank back when Grace reached out to her.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” The words fell from Laura’s lips as she shook. Over and over again. “I’m sorry.”

  Grace pulled her lover into her arms and held her, burying her face in Laura’s hair. “Ssh, baby. It’s okay.” She rocked back and forth, as if comforting a child.

  Clutching at Grace, Laura slowly began to calm. “I wouldn’t hurt you. I promise I wouldn’t ever…”

  “I know, I know.” Grace placed gentle, loving kisses on Laura’s hair and felt her relax in her arms. Finally, looking so young and vulnerable, Laura lifted her head and met Grace’s eyes.

  “Take me home, Gracie. I want to be in our house, in our bed with you. I don’t ever want to be anywhere else.”

  Grace felt tears run down her face, but had to give a little laugh. “I think I can manage to live like that.”

  She held Laura against her, sending up a prayer of thanks to any deity who might be listening for giving her this second chance. Laura would be fragile for a while, but Grace would be there with her every step of the way. There was nowhere she would rather be.

  End

  If Only in Cranbury Park

  Charlotte Dare

  Part One

  Courtney watched the cat twitch as he slept in the lamb’s wool kitty bed too small for his fifteen pound body. Downstairs the rumble of boxes and plastic storage containers Joanna carted out of their house reverberated in her ears. The acoustics of mosaic tile and refinished hardwood floors precluded a silent escape. Courtney closed her eyes, woozy from the echoes below, and wondered what kind of demented impulse compelled her to stay home this morning.

  “Courtney,” Joanna shouted from the foot of the staircase. “I’m leaving the keys on the dining room table.”

  Courtney sniffled and swallowed. “All right,” she shouted back after clearing the sadness from her throat. Was it so surprising it’d come to this after the last tumultuous year? She stroked Oliver’s ear and hoped Joanna wasn’t going to come back for him, too.

  “Hey, Court,” Joanna called again, her voice this time stilted with hesitation. “I’m leaving. Do you want to say good-bye?”

  What a question. Courtney sighed and shuffled her cross-trainers across the frieze throw rug in the hall. She leaned over the railing and looked down on the fly-aways on top of Joanna’s dark chocolate hair. “You were right. I should’ve gone for coffee or something this morning.”

  Joanna’s deep green eyes were glassy and anxious. “Courtney, someday we’ll be friends again. I really hope so anyway,” she said and walked away after a solemn nod.

  When Courtney heard the door close, she walked downstairs and gazed at the holes left by Joanna’s missing antique rocking chair, mystery novels, and Hummel collection. The picture frames of them during holidays and summer vacations were gone too, but Courtney had appropriated those herself last week when Joanna had come back from her sister’s house with her brother-in-law and his SUV and announced she was leaving. They’d moved her armoire, treadmill, business files, and most of her clothing. Today was the day the seasonal clothing left and Joanna did too, for good.

  Courtney collapsed on the loveseat and sank into the hollow silence. After a while, she remembered to breathe. It was a long, deep breath, but she couldn’t suck in enough air to distill her despair into something she could use. She finally picked up the cordless, pressed Julian’s speed dial number and closed her eyes.

  “She’s gone,” she said when he answered.

  “I’m sorry, honey.” The somberness in his voice only made it worse. “You wanna come over? Ted’s bringing home pizza after work.”

  “I can’t move, Jules. I literally can’t move. I don’t even know how I made it to the living room.”

  He sighed, and Courtney knew he’d finally depleted his arsenal of perky ant moving rubber tree plant speeches. She felt guilty knowing her ongoing drama with Joanna had been the cause.

  “Do you want me to come over? You probably shouldn’t be alone right now especially since you’re there at the scene of the crime.”

  “Crime,” she chuckled. “What crime? First degree stupidity? Guilty as charged.”

  “Stop calling yourself stupid. You fell in love. Sorry, but that’s never a victimless crime.”

  “But I should’ve known from the day we met it wouldn’t work.”

  “But it did work, for four years. Sometimes even the greatest loves of all time aren’t meant to last forever.”

  “Jules, I know you’re trying to spin this into one of those you’re a better person for having loved her allegories, but I’m just not in the mood. I wanted forever, and I didn’t get it, didn’t even come close.”

  “It was a sweet ride, though, wasn’t it?”

  “It’s a nightmare, is what it is. Joanna’s a coward, a spineless chicken shit who cut and ran at the first sign of a challenge.”

  “Look, you know you’re my best friend, and I’m not taking her side by any means, but I can kind of understand why
she couldn’t handle it.”

  Courtney’s mouth dropped. What did he just say? “Well, it’s terrific that you can be so sure since I don’t even know what’s real anymore.” She tried not getting riled, but her knees, spread apart, were bobbing up and down like buoys in a choppy ocean. “I mean she’d already given me a litany of excuses from the club, to I’m never home, to we want different things from life. Her latest was that I’m still obsessed with the bar scene, and therefore, must not be happy with her. What kind of neurotic, half-baked excuse is that?”

  “You’re seventeen years younger than her, Court. You run one of the most popular lesbian bars in the Village. You meet women all the time, and you travel a lot, mostly without her. Doesn’t sound so neurotic. She’s probably just looking for more stability. I mean she is getting up there.”

  “She’s forty-eight, and Jesus, Julian, what are you, her attorney?”

  “I’m sorry. I know the last thing you want to hear right now is the truth.”

  “What was I supposed to do, give up everything I am for her?”

  “Did you expect her to?”

  “No, I just wanted her to have a little more faith in us, maybe try to be a little supportive of me once in a while.”

  “You know, if you sold even one of those clubs you’d make a fortune. Take the money and do whatever you want with it.”

  “I like running nightclubs, traveling and meeting new people. What’s so wrong with that?”

  “Courtney, I better go now. If we stay on the phone, you’re going to end up hating me.”

  “Come on, Julian. I already feel like shit. Just say your piece once and for all. You’ve obviously been dying to.”

  He cleared his throat. “Okay, the club’s five-year anniversary party in August.”

  “What about it?”

  “You were out there doing your best Tom Cruise from ‘Cocktail’ behind the bar, and as usual all the dykes were clambering around, trying to get a piece of you. And you smiled and winked and had them practically creaming their Levi’s.”