LOL #3 Romantic Comedy Anthology Read online

  The fact that he didn’t even remember she’d been engaged said it all. “Yes.” She gulped down the Sauvignon Blanc. “About six months ago.” Two years after her halfhearted acceptance of Lyle’s proposal, she’d finally done the right thing.

  “Here’s to friendship.” He was holding out a beer bottle.

  She tapped her glass against it, her insides shrinking. “To friendship.”

  His gaze slipped past hers to the living room, and his expression softened. “I’ve never seen Jody so happy. Simon seems like a good guy.”

  “You don’t remember him from way back when?” They’d all lived in the same neighborhood growing up in Southern California. Although there had been some falling-out after high school, everyone agreed now that Simon was indeed a good guy.

  “Afraid not. I was so much older.”

  “Only four years,” she said.

  “It’s nothing now, but back then… ”

  “I know. We were like little kids to you.” She hid her face in her wine glass, wondering what it would’ve taken to show him otherwise. Even after she was in college and they’d seen each other at the Lapinski house, (she spent most weekends there), he’d treated her like a kid. What if, just once, she’d “accidentally” run into him in a push-up bra and a lace thong?

  Yeah, right. There wasn’t enough wine in the world—not then, not now. She was a software engineer, not a stripper.

  She emptied her glass down her gullet and prepared another.

  He frowned. “How are you getting home? Don’t you live in Silicon Valley?”

  “I’m flattered you remembered.” The alcohol was working so well that she found herself patting his broad shoulder.

  “I saw your Beetle out front. I don’t think you should be driving tonight.”

  Her hand seemed to be glued to his bicep. Lifting that paintbrush made bigger muscles than she’d expected. “Don’t worry. I’m sleeping on the couch.”

  She felt the tension go out of his muscles. “Oh, that’s good. We can make a party out of it,” he said, lifting the beer to his lips again and grinning around the bottle. “Turns out I’ll be sleeping there too.”

  3

  JAKE WATCHED A LOOK OF horror dawn on Sasha’s face.

  “No way,” she said. “That couch is mine, Romeo.”

  Surprised, he put the bottle down on the counter. “Excuse me?”

  “I arranged it with Jody last week. You can get a ride from somebody. Call a cab or Uber or something.”

  “You know what a ride up there is going to cost me?”

  “Not my problem,” she said. “Besides, you can’t pull that starving artist thing on me. I know you’re loaded.”

  His freelance business was doing all right, but that wasn’t the point. Her visible disgust at the thought of sleeping next to him—not with him, for God’s sake—was unexpected. He’d been kidding, anyway. But he wasn’t going to tell her that now. “I didn’t mean we’d be on the same couch. There are two of them.”

  “There’s one. It’s a sectional.”

  “Then if you want to get technical”—he marched across the kitchen and to the living room so he could count the individual pieces of the modular sofa—“there are actually five of them.”

  She didn’t follow him, just leaned against the counter and sipped her wine.

  “Come over here and count for yourself,” he said.

  “I’ll ask Melissa if her new boyfriend could drive you home. He lives up in the hills.”

  “What’s the big deal?” Now he was really starting to get curious. “Do you snore? Sleepwalk? Wear one of those apnea machines you’re embarrassed about? If so, don’t worry about it, one of my college roommates did all three and it never bothered me. I can sleep through a hurricane.”

  Without a word, she set her wine glass in the sink and walked past him into the living room, where she sat next to Jody and made a show of admiring a faux-fur pillow she’d just unwrapped.

  She’d always been able to surprise him, whether with a dirty joke or insightful remark, but this was bizarre.

  Reminded of another woman he didn’t understand, he pulled out his phone and confirmed that no suddenly regretful Marjorie had left him a text or a message. No, no message. It was really over.

  He should enjoy the party and stop thinking about anything. He could be happy for his sister settling down before he had, no matter how much older he was, how long he’d been hoping for something similar. Not even as good. Just similar.

  This, of course, would involve another beer. So he got one and rejoined the fun, happy people in the other room.

  Glancing at Sasha every few minutes to wonder what it was about him that she found so repulsive.

  Did he have to sit there looking so irresistible?

  It wasn’t the stubble. She liked him clean-shaven even better, although there was no denying the meltingly hot appeal of a five-o’clock shadow dusting his dimpled chin.

  And it wasn’t his plaid flannel lumberjack shirt that screamed climb my tree, baby. It wasn’t. Almost, but she could’ve ignored him if that’s all it was.

  There was something even more deadly. Ever since the avoidable conversation in the kitchen that she hadn’t avoided because she’d been in love with him since her mother died, damn it, he’d been staring at her. Following her every move. Laughing at her little jokes. Holding her gaze if she was dumb enough to let hers drift near his.

  She’d had too much wine. When Jody had announced the party, she’d asked to stay over so she could drink as much as she wanted, knowing Jake would be there with some woman. He was always with some woman. This one had been even prettier than the ones before. Even when he’d been broke and living in a six-hundred-square-foot studio apartment with two other guys in Berkeley, he’d had women throwing themselves at him. And he’d always been a really good catcher. The Giants could put him behind the plate.

  Well, she wasn’t going to join the horde. If anything was going to happen between them, it would’ve happened by now.

  Nothing is going to happen, you idiot.

  She stood up, reminding herself that negative self-talk was bad for you.

  Stop insulting yourself, you idiot.

  Laughing under her breath, she patted Jody on the top of her happy blonde head and weaved around the coffee table and gift boxes to the kitchen. Time to switch to water. Rehydrate before she went to bed.

  With Jake on the sofa.

  Feeling overheated, she went to the kitchen sink and splashed some of the tap water on her throat and forehead. Would they sleep head-to-head or toe-to-toe?

  She closed her eyes and let an erotic daydream wash over her. Sure, they’d be at right angles, and if he rolled over to kiss her, he’d get a mouthful of hair and an ear instead of her pink, moist, welcoming lips…

  “Are you feeling all right?”

  She opened her eyes and found Jake standing a couple feet away, serious and concerned.

  “No,” she said with a sigh, then realized she’d spoken aloud. “Yes. I mean, just tired. Drank too much.”

  “Look, I was just kidding about sleeping on the sofa with you.”

  She gripped the stem of her wine glass and thanked the heavens. And then hoped that a just and loving god would forgive her for being insincere. “I know. I was just kidding about minding if you did.” Now she managed a smile. “I don’t have the alcohol tolerance I had when I was younger. Guess I’m getting old.”

  Rubbing his dimpled chin, he grinned. “Not you,” he said. “Never you.”

  Not you. Never you.

  And didn’t that just sum it up perfectly?

  4

  JAKE SHOOK SIMON’S HAND NEAR the door. “Good luck living with my sister. If she’s horrible, you can move back into your rooms at my grandmother’s house.” Until that week, both Simon and Jody had been living together in separate rooms at Nana’s big old house in the Oakland Hills. Nana had decided she wasn’t sure she’d ever move back into it, choosing instead
to live in New Mexico with a man she’d met on her European tour. Jake and Jody’s parents were scandalized. Jake was happy to live in the now-empty house and had dreams of buying it from her if she’d consider the idea.

  He was getting a ride from his sister’s friend Melissa’s new boyfriend—some Eduardo somebody. He and Melissa had gone off to get the car, which he’d had to park a few blocks away. From the way they were groping each other as they walked out, he thought they might take a few extra minutes before they came back to fetch him.

  Jake waited with his sister by the door.

  “There’s something I need to tell you,” she whispered.

  “You’re in love with that Simon guy,” he whispered back. “I already guessed.”

  “No, I mean I am, but it’s about Sasha.”

  “Sasha’s in love with Simon too?”

  She slapped a hand over his mouth and looked behind them. “Hush. Seriously. Listen.”

  He sobered, thinking about how oddly Sasha had been behaving tonight. “Is she sick?”

  “You could say that.”

  “Oh my God, what—”

  “No, nothing like that. It’s—” Jody chewed her lip for a moment. “Promise me you won’t do anything. But you have to know. I think it’ll be better for her if you know. You’ll behave better.”

  “What’s the matter with how I behave?”

  “You’ll stop flirting.”

  “Please. I don’t—”

  “Do you care about Sasha?”

  “Of course I care.”

  “No, I mean, care care,” she said.

  Suddenly uneasy, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “What are you asking, Jody?”

  “You aren’t secretly in love with her, are you?”

  “Of course not!”

  “Yeah, well, she is with you. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

  His stomach felt as if he’d eaten sixteen donuts and then ridden up Highway 1 in the backseat of an old Buick with a chain-smoker. “That’s impossible.”

  Jody shook her head and opened the front door. “You’d better go now. I don’t want her to see your face.”

  “But—”

  “Melissa and Eduardo will find you on the sidewalk. It’s not too dangerous around here. Nobody’s been shot in months.” She slammed the door.

  He spun around and stared at the peephole.

  Was his sister insane? Had her relationship with Simon, her friend Melissa’s with Eduardo, and even Nana’s love affair made her see romance around every corner?

  The cold evening wind cut through his thin jacket, clearing his mind. Clues from a decade flashed before him. Odd comments, lingering glances, a nagging, inexplicable tension that didn’t make any sense.

  Unless it was true.

  Sasha?

  Him?

  Years ago, he’d thought of little else. But she’d been so young, almost a foster sister in their house, and he’d forced himself to turn all that lust into platonic admiration.

  Well, not all of it.

  When Eduardo and Melissa finally returned to drive him home, he was staring up into the glow of the city sky, wondering if there was a way he could sleep on the couch after all.

  But by the time he got home, after being trapped in a car with two people even more obsessed with each other than his sister with her new boyfriend, he’d dismissed it as crazy talk.

  She was too smart to care about him like that.

  In the morning, Sasha stared into her coffee, wondering why she kept torturing herself. She could’ve sent a gift through the mail. She could’ve chatted with Melissa and her new boyfriend instead of stalking Jake. She was too smart to be so stupid. For God’s sake, when would she outgrow the stupid?

  “Cheer up,” Jody said, waving her phone at her. “I’ve got great news.”

  “I’m cheerful.” Sasha hated it when people said she looked unhappy. She had a grumpy resting face. It was biological.

  Jody strode over and joined her on the couch. “Turns out Simon and I have to work next weekend, so we can’t use that free Tahoe cabin after all, even though they’ve got three inches of fresh powder.”

  “That’s fantastic,” Sasha said, frowning. “How wonderful for you.”

  “Not for me. For you.”

  Sasha peeked at her out of the corner of her eye. “You’re giving it to me?”

  “Interested? It’s yours if you can get the time off.”

  “Of course I’m interested.” If anything would help Sasha snap out of her stale teenage angst, it would be getting out of town. “What’s the catch?”

  “No catch. It belongs to the neighbors. Well, my old neighbors, now Jake’s neighbors, up in the hills. Next door to my grandmother’s. Simon works at the startup that the woman’s son founded and he—” She waved her hands. “Anyway, it’s complicated, but trust me. It’s yours if you want it. It’s empty. They already gave me the key code for the door.”

  Sasha turned and looked out the window. The rain they’d been having must’ve dropped early snow up in the Sierra. The Bay Area was still gray and gloomy, sending her into her annual seasonal affective disorder. Maybe it was nothing to do with Jake Lapinski. Maybe she just needed a vacation.

  She threw her arms around Jody and squeezed. “I do want it. Like nothing I’ve ever wanted in my life.”

  Even him.

  5

  JAKE PUT HIS SKETCH PAD on the portable easel and smiled at his newest portrait subject.

  Damn, he was ugly.

  First of all, one of his eyes was significantly larger than the other. Secondly, his teeth stuck out. And finally, most unfortunately, he was missing most of his hair. In fact, it looked like he’d never had much to begin with. Other than bushy eyebrows, what the poor thing did have appeared to be growing out of his nose—right above the tongue that was flapping around.

  “He’s cute,” Jake told Trixie, the woman who had commissioned the portrait of her mixed-breed Chihuahua.

  She laughed. “You can’t fool me. I can see you’re terrified. But don’t worry. I don’t expect you to make Zeus look like anything other than what he is.” She scratched the ugly little dog’s bony skull. “A bundle of love.”

  In spite of his confidence in his abilities to make any creature look appealing, Jake relaxed. “I look forward to getting to know him better.” Trixie and Zeus lived next door to his grandmother’s house, the one he had just moved into and hoped to buy. It sat up in the East Bay hills overlooking the San Francisco Bay in a neighborhood he’d never be able to afford on his own, no matter how lucrative the pet portrait market had been for him. He’d have to have tenants and operate as his grandmother had, semi-boarding-house style.

  He began sketching the head in cobalt blue. Zeus smiled at him, panting happily as if he knew he was being immortalized and appreciated the gesture. “Will I be doing portraits of all the dogs?” He’d seen at least two full-breed Chihuahuas trotting around the house.

  “Let’s see how you do,” she said.

  Jake turned his attention to the textured paper.

  Smiling, Trixie patted his knee. “Don’t look so serious. I was only kidding. Of course I have to do all of them. Zeus is my favorite, but it’s never good to be too obvious about that sort of thing.”

  He met her smile and kept working. “Not serious. Just tired. I look forward to doing all the portraits you’d like.”

  “Do you ever do people?”

  “Absolutely. Although they do tend to have a wild look about them.”

  “Maybe I’ll have myself done, just to creep out the kids after I die.” She clasped her hands together. “Can you make my eyes look like they can move? Like I’m watching them move around the room?”

  “Not without a visit to the craft store.”

  She threw her head back and laughed. “We should do it.”

  Living next door to this woman was going to be fun. From the way his uneven jaw stretched wider, the dog seemed to enjoy her l
aughter too.

  “You’re too young to be talking about dying,” Jake said. “My grandmother’s much older than you and she just shacked up with a retired carpet dealer in New Mexico. They’re talking about buying an RV and driving around the country for a few years.”

  “Good for her. I always felt Liliana was too isolated up here on our mountain. Family is nice, but a single woman needs romance.”

  He grinned at her. “Is that why you set up my sister with Simon?”

  Her eyes widened. “Me?”

  From what he’d heard from Jody, Trixie had gone out of her way to get them together at a key moment in their tempestuous relationship. Now look at them, already talking about marriage. “Have any plans for me?” he asked. “A single guy needs romance too.”

  “Sounds like you get plenty of that.” She finger-combed Zeus’s nose hair. “Your grandmother thinks you should leave the girls alone and get serious about your career.”

  All the humor drained out of him. He picked up a fresh pastel and began the challenge of capturing Zeus’s tongue in two dimensions. “She said that?” Nana never had liked the pet portrait business, and would rather he had a prestigious advanced degree like his sister. Never mind he made a great living. He was fast, he was good, he had a popular website that accepted Paypal. People sent photos and videos from all over the world, more than he could keep up with. Doing a live sitting like he was today with Zeus was rare.

  “She never was much of an animal person,” Trixie said.

  “That’s not it. She’s afraid I’m going to starve.”

  Trixie reached around the easel and squeezed his thigh. “You feel pretty solid. Not wasting away.”

  His smile returned. Between Trixie and her cockeyed, bald, mixed-breed tiny dog, he couldn’t help it. “I haven’t had to eat ramen in months.”

  “But you work hard, don’t you? Liliana said you do these portraits seven days a week.”

  “I don’t enjoy the day if I’m not drawing something,” he said. “Might as well get paid for it.”

  “So, you’re happy just being over there in the house working and working without ever going anywhere?”

  “I just moved in,” he said. “The thrill hasn’t worn off yet.”